it's been a while since i've updated. i've never thought i would be able to do it, but i guess i've moved on, in my own pace, in my own way
but every now and then i still can't help but wonder what it is your doing.
i sometimes wonder if maybe we were in fact too young. wanting someone to lean on, but unfortunatly, we couldn't lean on each other for a long time.
tomorow is the new year, in fact it's the 01/01/11
i think i will make a comeback next year, i will become better, hopefully not bigger.
i will work hard, after all i am me, and it's time i be me again.
2010 goodbye, vce goodbye, tom goodbye.

i've been thinking lately, do i really want to do what it is i'm about to do?
JYP auditions, the 4th of jan. and yet i really want to go for it, but i know the chances are low, and that even if even if out of those 500 people i get choosen, it would be at least 3 years before a chance of debuting, even in 3 years, the chances are slim seeing how many tainees they possibly have under their compay.
i really love the stage, the feeling of been in the spotlight it;s really great, of been the one people talk about reconise.
someday i would like to be the one people serch on the internet about, i would like to go on varity shows to laugh and sing...
but i really doubt that someday will happen.
i'm often told take your chance while you have it. but chances are only for those who are prepared, after all, theres no use in taking a chance when you can't afford or just don't have the abilty to take that chance.
prehaps i should just live my life as a normal working working from 9 to 5...
thinking about it is really scary, that someday in the future, i would be working a 9 to 5 job, doing the same things everyday, spending the year with the same people. i really wonder, if thats the life i'm ment to live..
i don't know if i would be able to live life like that, for the rest of my life, from 9 to 5... working in a office... i don't think i will be able to do that
i remember my childhood dreams, of been a director, of been a script writter, of been a makeup artist to the stars, of been a fashion designer, of been a star, of been a stylest....
i still want to do all those things, but i know i worn't be able to, i know even if i have any talent in these fields i would never be able to chase after my dreams like that. because i know, i can't have everything i want in this world.
but i still wish that i could. that out of no where someone would show some confidence in me, that they would believe in me no matter what i do. and yet i have yet to find that person. i don't have the confidence to say that i want to do these jobs, i don't have the confidence to chase after my dreams.
i know i don't have the confidence, i know i don't have the talent, i know i don't have the abilty, i know i don't have the skills. and yet what so i have?
right now all i can see is a empty box, prehaps i'm not even an empty box, after all an empty box can be used to carry, store items, and i feel like a empty box with the bottom riped off....
maybe someday i'll look back at these dreams and laugh, prehaps i'm just too much of a coward to do anything in this world....

最亲近的陌生人

圣诞节要到了，可我一点开心的感觉都没有。心好痛，人好孤独，知道明年的二月四十号又会是一个人过的，知道明年的生日又会是一个人过。
想知道为什么心会那么的痛，是因为我孤独？是因为知道我们曾有过那一种感情，还是因为知道其实根本没有感情。同时也在想是不是我真的没有用，不值得被人家爱。
我想问的是，能再次回到一年前吗？能不能让我回到那个时候好好的从新和自己谈一谈，家自己不要这样。
有可能是因为自己太痴情，有可能自己太独立，有人说‘在‘爱’这个游戏里不能是强者，因为没有人会同情强者的，在‘爱’里，越弱越依赖被人越好’ 那我是不是应该学会装可怜，装无能，装白痴。
我不懂，难道我就没有爱的权利吗？难道我一辈子都要做被抛弃的那一个吗？为什么总是喜欢上不喜欢我的人。。。
我知道我因该好好往前走可是，要走到哪里才算够‘前’呢？
人生能不能和我打一下招呼，告诉我我应该走多远才算够远。。。
从现在开始，你我都是最亲近的陌生人。

life is alittle boring right now, i don't know what i want to do, i don't know what i can do. i don't like this kind of feeling, a feeling of not knowing how deep i can reach or of how far i can streech. i want to know, so i don't waste myslef.
i am not smart, i am not pretty, i am not skinny, i do not have a good personality. am i hopeless?

they say it's snowing in shanghai, i've never seen the snow. my mum's always told me that i was born amonst the biggest snow strom of the centry (not like in the snow strom, but in the hospital during the storm)
i've always wanted to see the snow, they say, to see the first snow of winter, with someone you love, it means that you have found your other half.
prehaps i need to see the snow to be reborn, because right now, i want to start over, because if i start over, i will at least have a direction to go in

i'm not quiet sure what is ment to happen now, i can't help but feel as though my life is on hold.
i wish you would understand and come back

i don't know why, but tears are fallling, i know last year i had you, so to me, it was ok, but this year, i don't have you...
i don't have you here, next to me walking me through it.
i don't know why, but i think the 14th of decemeber will always be a date that i will remeber.

为什么看到绿地会心痛，为什么连看蓝天都会心痛，难道是因为孤独？
不晓得什么时候我变的那么的没用，连自己要的都没有勇气去争取。
不晓得你是在想什么，连自己都不晓得在想什么，好痛，突然的痛，一种被关在黑屋里面的感觉，没有光，没有希望，没有办法逃开的。
世界就这样吗？人生是这样默默的过吗？
好希望有个人能带我离开这里。。。

sometimes i don't know what it is i want.... prehaps ur just that case

i was thinking today, under what conditions do u really fall in love with a person.
everyone wants a beauty, once all the beauties have gone in the world what will we be left with? the ugly?
if soe what is ugly?
can someone tell me who the real decider of these words are? and to what extent do we all believe in the words we say. though saying i hate you, and not meaning it is harsh, under what conditions should we lie inorder to protect oursleves and even the ones we love.
is lieing really such a bad thing?
what is lieing anyway, not telling the truth, or hiding the truth. is hiding really all that bad?

昨天好好聊了一聊，现在有一种莫名的轻松。
可是还是好痛。爱过痛过，就这样的过去吧。不过去的放在过去，我会好好往前走的。
再见

i don't know wat is right............ i want to scream cry and yell at you......... yet i can't...............
it hurts me..... to know that u don't care anymore.......

i don't know who i am, what i want to be, what i am ment to be......
like someone lost, hopless, useless......
right now everything in my world seems so lonley......
i want to scream, cry, punch someone, but i can't cos i know doing so worn't do anything......
i wanna run away, somewhere far far away, where i can just sleep, because sleep seems like the only time i can just be, without worries, without tears.
i'm not beautiful, not skinny, nor do i have a good family background, my personality isn't the best ether... what do i have? nothing... prehaps thats way you left, because there is no good being with someone that has nothing,
it's been depressing latley, becaue suddenly it was the 27th a few days ago, i relised that it's almost been 10 months since we've broken up and yet to me, you still havn't left....
someone wake me up from this nightmare

想找到的，找不到，其实说实话我并不晓得自己在寻找什么，常常一个人这样的默默的过日子。我想知道的事其实并不多，可是因为什么多不晓得才会有那么多问题。

你在吗？？在看吗？？不看也可以，因为你从没有关心过我，所以也没什么差别。不晓得人生是不是这样的，失恋后没办法好好吃，好好睡，想恨那个人可是有没有办法，想忘记那个人可同时又想再见他一面。恋爱就那么的痛苦吗？

这几天越来越紧张了，因为分数要出来了。这几天一直没有办法好好的睡。好怕好怕去年的重复再发生。好怕。。。

去年有了你，今年失去了你，今年会有新的吗？然后明年又失去。。。

人生就只有这样吗？得到后就失去，失去后在得到。

不晓得因该怎么面对这个世界。如果你有想法的话，Po一下吧~~~

对于爱情的伤因该怎么去处理，医生说回想对身体不好，会让大脑和心脏不正常。
可我常常因为回想而哭泣，而心痛。
看上去我还是放不下。
看上去我还是被抛弃的那一个。

well going out today, so i thought i should do a post before i go~ =]
recently i've been obsessed with 'nothing better' by jun yeop (sorry for the misplet name... so many variations of it) i really love this song, for the simple melody, simple meaning of it. it's such a beautieful song. if u have the chance go and search it up on you tube~
on another notes meeting up with brian jess and nathan today, jake has life guarding so he can't come = =; damn him... anyway it'll be fun i'm looking forward to it, i've missed them so much ~
=]

i've had time to think about things lately, frankly too much time.
while everyone has a goal to reach for, i don't know what i want, i know what i want to do, but also know it'll never happen. so where is the line between realtiy and desire?
i have no idea how i'm going to live my life, i have no idea what i would want to do, i have no idea how to walk this road.
i want to pray to something, but what is there to pray to, god? budda? if we all pray and if all our wishes come tru then life would be a mess.
i don't know how i am ment to react to certain things in my life.
i want to say it, that i want you back, that i hate u, that ur mean, evil, that i miss you. but i know me saying those things will do nothing. jake i know how you feel, but unlike you i havn't found the person that will help me overcome it.
right now, my life seems directionless, hopeless, it feels like a endless void with me walking in a black tunnel, endlessly walking, running occasionally, but running doesn't make a difference, after all it's void.
i want to run away, to a island somewhere, alone, by myslef, and just watch the world pass by.
does it ever feel like ur the spectator in someonelses show, even know u are apart of this little world, it feels like you are only there to watch. to watch other act and play, while u sit and watch and clap.
this feeling of been loney, of been alone, it doesn't feel good, it feels almost as if someone's taken u and place u into the middle of the sea, that feeling of dorwning in your own tears.

anthony's song really got to me 'sorry that i loved you'. that line 'sorry for been the one that taught you how to cry'. are you sorry that u taught me how to cry? in this past year i have cried more for myslef then i have ever in my whole life...
so next year, i wanna laugh more, smile more, i want to change

well went and dyed mai hair today, i don't know what colour is it, well i can see it, but i have no idea what colour it is...... it's like orange but brown, but red..................................... i have no idea

went out today with friends, it was fun, talking, eating, and been a teenager.
but as the day ended i couldn't help but feel lonley, feel that i was the only one hurt, that i was the only one that was this situation. i know 2010 is a important year, but i now also know, that it has been the hardest year i have lived though in my life, loosing someone i careded for, and having to live though the year without support.
i want to reach out and say it, it hurts, it hurts really bad, i wanna cry on the phone and be that girl that is clingy and begs for a chance, but i can't do it, maybe because apart of me knows that you don't care, maybe i just don't care for you enough, maybe i'm just not that kind of girl.

2NE1's it hurts is a really beautieful song, about a girl who's still not over a guy, about how one part of you will hate that person and how the other half of you will accept him back with open arms if he comes back. i guess thats the saddest thing, where even though someone can hurt you so, you still love them regardless.

i've been wanting to do a cover of it, but compared to parkbom, cl, minzy, and dara's voices, my voice is so powerless, maybe i do a different cover of it. seeing how i wanned to sing it in korean, but, my abilty to learn languages is really poor seeing how my chinese marks were last year, i've decied to over the english verson of it. i havn't done it yet, but when i have i will upload it.

so before i upload a cover of it i'll post half of the lyrics up, i didnt' write this, i found it on youtube and i really love the lyrics because they fit so well and they also cover what the original song is saying so here it is.

think of that time not long ago
spending all those days alone
walking hand in hand and never letting them go

but now your into someone new
and i can't forgive you
for making all those promises that will never come tru

tell me now oh where did our love go
tell me now i've got the right to know
tell me how you could stand watching me hurt so-ooo
tell me if you ever change your mind
tell me if you want to make it right
am i the only one hurt tonight

oh baby
why don't you care
what ever happens to me you worn't be there
and i know where ever we go
we'll be apart apa apart-t

这是我人生中第一次觉得世界是残忍的，第一次觉得度过的一切是浪费的，是没用的，是多余的。
不知因该怎么样面对这样的世界，不知因该这么努力。
今天又下雨了，天气变冷了，有可能算命师说的是对的，经年桃花不好，要等到明年5月。。。那就慢慢等吧，反正等了一年也没什么，在等5个月因该是小case吧。。。

ok VCE is over~ =]
i have nothing else to say.. to the least i had a few laughs with a few yr 11's blogs......
well not laughs... but more like mocking giggle~
lol, tryna get a job... yes... i am never NEVER waitressing AGAIN!! NEVER!
after aki's place i have a fear of 12 balls of piping hot miso soup on a tray much too big and much too flimsy to hold the 12 balls of miso soup...
life after VCE is well... boring to say the least... my mum taking my money believeing i will spend it on booze... (not to mention i barley drink due to my crappy piece of blood vessal in my head that swells up when i do drink and gives me migranes) now i am pov, bored, and fat... life is great... it really is...
on a higher (much better note) i have found a reteller for the LG BL 40~!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!
yes it is only 379!!!!!!!!!!! another yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but getting itouch on monday!!! yay@@@@@!!! games baby!!!! and cos my very small very green ipod nano is dying on me.....
went to the city today, almost walked into someone i didn;t like but i ran away =] i'm getting better at running away, but more stupid to where almost walking into a display frame... = =;
yes i am sad...
anyway life will get better when i get into uni (if i can get into uni), probs MEL U, prob never monash, but i will i said i WILL be attending the oriantation week for MONASH!!! because? well,,,, MONASH ISN"T CHEAP LIKE MEL U AND HAS SOO MUCH FREE STUFF DURING THAT WEEK SOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol.. such an asian~
anyway saw someone that looked like BRAIN today very creepy..... >--->
yes.... i did....
no another note jap ppl really do like BL and GL don't they.... - -lll i stumbled upon a live action verson of a BL.. the guy was hot... all of them ... = =;
that is not fair...
anyway gonna go and buy chicken now....
bye bye~

我知道了，我懂了。
那一年，这一年，goodbye

tomorow is my studio and physics exam~!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and the after that my chem. i've decied on thursday i'm gonna go and cut my hair after the exam and then next monday i'm gonna dye it another colour, me is thinking light brown or copper~~ hehe~~ can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh!!! 2 MORE DAYS! HWAITING!!!

for some reason i can't sleep, not because of the stress of the exams but the excitement of them, though i know i'm going to fail chemistry, i still feel as though i have a fighting chance, i'm hoping for a A so i can get at lest 36 for my study score, but after the midyears, i feel as though my chances are low, i'm also really bad at the battery and fuel cell stuff, the calculations are easy to me, i'm more worried about the redox stuff. i want to do my bets for studio and get a A+ for my exams, then i would have a chance of getting 48 for it. as for physics all i need to do is make sure i don't make any stupid mistakes, cos if i don't i'm sure i can get a A and get that 36 i need.

i don't know what i should be doing right now, i'm not tried nor am i stressed, i think I've moved on from that. tomorrow i'll go though the information for studio again, and read over redox again for chemistry. if i do that, i should be able to memories the batter and fuel cell stuff by Wednesday if i read over them again tomorrow and then again on Wednesday.

apart of me is excited that the exams are going to finish on thursday, the other half scared, that after thrusday you have seven days, seven days to call me, to talk to me, because if you do then i know we would have a chance, if you don't then i know that you would have changed...

so after thrusday, i hope you call, because if you don't, i think i might give up and go in a new direction.

i hope i can do well in my exams, i really do, i've worked hard, i want to reap some reward, after all the midyears were a disappointment.

bye bye for now~~~

ahhh studying for studio right now... i like art... but i only like doing the art... not that i don't have the appreciation for the greats, it's just that art is more enjoyable when your doing somethin you like, and well i like the making part of art.
ahh euorpean masters, a exihibition i will no go to again... i didn't like the art works, i really didn't though they were by some of the greatest european masters of the 19th and 20th century, the exhibition design really didn't do alot for me. the brightly warm coloured walls and the mixture of dark grey tones really didn't make the art works jump at me, they merely took away from the art works. following the key artistic movements of the time (realisium impressionism post-impressionism, german romanticism, expressionism, modernism, french symblosim) the european masters flew over all the way from the STADEL MUSUME in FRANKFURT in german. showing to the audience rarely seen realists and symbolist masterworks by artists such as Max Liebernamn and Franz von Stuck. almost 100 works by 70 artists were shown in the 7th addition to the Melbourne Winter Mastpieces serise at the NGV.
the additon of the long balck transit way from the first selctions of gallery spaces to the next represents the morning of the art works lost during thr NAZI rein, as the NAZIs burnt many art works and many works we are shown today have been saved by individuals from teh NAZIs.
ahhh regeritation of stuff is sure useful in studio.... sigh,,,,if only chem was that easy..... sigh......
SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
now for physics, if i can get the MC right a 90+ would be certain, because well i can get 90+ for short answer.. and MC brings mai marks down.. lets hope i can get 13 out of 13 for the MC
i got a text from tom today, =]
it made my day, though i already knew cos my teacher (tsfx teacher) is the one who worte the exams for TSFX already told us, but it was sweet. =] i didn't tell him that though. i was high for a while and then relised i only had 4 days left so i started to study again.. now for the contiuation of physics... one more exam left.. i lirtally have no more left... = =;
i need more.. right now 86% due to my horrible MC marks... sigh.....
oh well back to studio notes, gonna finish writtin them today so i have 3 days to remeber them all... not alot of notes, infact 60% of the exam is the skill of making something out of nothing.. the one thing in life i'me good at...
well wish me lack for the last 3 exams i will ever have in VCE!!!!
bye bye~~~ =]

sudden love of the song 'oh!my godessw' by TRAX from sment....
the song is so light, bubbly, happy, a song about meeting someone so wonderful that their out of this world.
i like that feeling. the feeling of your heart stopping, the world been in slow motion, then from the corner of your eye you see that one person, shinning brightly, as though a light is shawn on them non-stop.
i've been thinking alot lately, alot.
what is a soulmate? what is ment by the term 'destined one', 'the other half'.
it's not like we're an apple and can be cut into halves. and it's not like destiny is ever a thing to trust on. and yet we wait, we walk though life waiting, until we think we have found that thing we're waiting for. in chinese theres this term ‘真命天子’it basically means someone destined to be with you. i wonder if that term really means what it means. i mean what if you have a destined person, but for some reason they die before you met them, or if they were in fact born into another era. what can you do now? if you could time travelle then well our world would be a mess, cos everyone would just redo the same actions again and again. that would be complicated. because we can't travelle through time, we learn to 'cherish' because we can't relive life, we learn to be 'paient', but what good is there been paient, where 5 million other people in the world could be looking for the same thing as you are, sucess, fame, love, affection.
when i was little i was always told the story of the boy and the rose bushes, how this little boy inorder to pick the most beautieful rose walked all the way to the end of the bushes but ended up with nothing because he became too greedy. but can we really blame the little boy? for wanting something better, more beautieful, something more speacial? instead of calling it paience we called it greed. maybe i'm scared that i would walk to the end of the road with no rose in my hand, so i've grabed onto the first one i saw, maybe, we need to be like the little boy, maybe in the face of love we need to be alittle greedy to get the 'best deal'.
i've been thinking if there is a need to want to find someone you love, maybe the old 'arranged marriage' was a good idea, i mean this way at least you worn't end up with no one.
i saw on TV once that we as humans decied 'attraction' from the first moment we met, maybe you missed me. if you did come back around, maybe you'll notice something intersting.
so next time your on the street and see someone shinning from far away, don't be afraid, and try it out, cos you never know what can and will happen, you will never know unless you try...
bye bye for now~ ^^

havn't written anything for a while~ hehe~ i'm back for 2 days then back to study for my exams on the 10th and the 11th~
i finihsed my eng exam on thursday~ i finished it!!! yay!! thought my richard essay was not my best, lets hope i did well.......
while i'm alittle worried about my studio exam, what if i mess up i need that 45.....
and i'm also worried for chem... i don't know if i'll be able to get that 36 that i need... and for physics as well.... sigh... i will work hard@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last night was my valadictory dinner~ it was good... apart from all my fat........ - -;
i will work hard,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
harder................
on that note.. i;m also alittle sad cos i;m going to miss my teachers....

有一段时间没写中文了。。。kekekekeke如果回韩文肯定写韩文。。。ke ke ke ke
不晓得现在的我因该是要干什么，是要开心，难过还是因该往前看，把后面的都忘掉。
可惜的是，其实我也不知道我后面藏了什么。
也许，在身后中我们寻找的并不是前方的路怎么走，而是一个人，帮我们记已经走过的路。
那一年，那一天，我因该会遇到你吧。我从没有相信过‘真命天子’，也许现在我因该开始相信了。有可能相信了以后会找到他吧。
‘真命天子’如果你在的话请你快一点来找我~我会等你的，来的以前跟我call一下，这样我就有心理准备了~

my high school life is now offically over, and it's all left to exams now. somehow i feel relieved, and yet at the same time, i feel as though i have lost a large part of my life. somewhere in me, i'm happy that this year is going to finish soon, because it hasn;t exactly been my year.
which had me thinking latley, maybe life isn't about how well you live it, it's who you live with, the people you are with that make life what it is, whether it's been alone, or with friends and family, it's because their there that make life so much better then what it seems like.
i don't know if i should feel exicted about the up coming exams, because after them i will be free, and so far for the majority of my life, it's been so rotiune that i don't know what i would do with my life when i have so much free time.
maybe i should go out and see the world, have fun, and enjoy my last year as a teenager, after all study has consumed most of it. i wanna be able to sneak out at night, drive a car with friends and just be kids, maybe thats what i missed out during these six years of my secondary college.
because i never really lived close to my school, so my friends would always be far from me, whether those friends near the glen, even those who are in bentleigh, they've always been far from. i've never really gotten close to anyone, i don't want to, because past experences have told me that getting close to people will always end up in me getting hurt, and when that courage is strong enoygh i still get hurt, so whats the point in getting close where all you get is pain. why not just stay at a arms length to keep your slef safe?
i don't want to get hurt again, i don't because for the past year, i've been unable to breathe, unable to be me. it hurts, like a stone is on my cheast stopping my lungs from working, stopping them from breathing.
it hurts, it really does.
i've thought alot in the past few weeks, what is it i want to do with my life? i know the answer, and i know that it worn't happen, because i don't have the qualities to fulfill that role, and apart of me wishes i did, because i know that if i could i would run after it with all my might no matter where it will lead me.
if i ever get the chance, if i ever get the chance to go after that spotlight i will. but this life isn't fit for it, so it will never happen.
i feel empty, i really do, like life has scooped my insides out, and taken them away. i feel as though life hates me, god hates, that i am the one exception in the world, where i'm just hated.
i got a migrane yesterday, my first in a long time. apart of me wonders why it is that i am this way. why am i ugly and fat, why am i hated by all those i want to be close with. i miss been a child, a child with no cares, a child willing to dream, willing to dive into the deep seas to search for their dreams.
right now i feel lost, hopless, useless, maybe thats the way it's meant to be

been afairded to fly

i'm afraid to fly, because the higher i get, the harder i will have to fall, just like me been happy, the happier i am the harder the fall i will have.
shall i just stay lonley? at least that way, there is no fall because there is no lower i can fall

tomorow is the last day of MCK...
i am gonna miss it sooo much.....
i'm glad i was at mckinnon, i'm glad that i stayed...
thank you McKinnon for giving me such a great time

>exams are in 2weeks and 2 days now
my first exam, eng
and 3 weeks after that i will be finished
last exam 11th chemistry
i'll miss McKinnon, alot
because after all, it's been my home away from home for 6 years and i think, i'll miss it to bits and pieces, not only seeing my friends everyday, but also the buildings the slack off periods and the teachers that have been there since, since forever, McKinnon i'll miss you, because you gave me the best experience i could ever have had for my secondary schooling.
<3
thank u

为什么有一种天会塌下来的感觉，为什么会觉得那么的孤单，为什么会那么痛。
为什么全世界都那么的恨我。。。为什么只有我。。、

to me it feels like as though it's been almost a whole year without been able to breathe. and just then for the first time in that year i could breath. finally

i sometimes wonder what it is we are serching for in our lives. are we ment to serching for the other half? or are we already whole, just unknowingly.
i wonder what life would be without you, and right now i'm living a life without you. but is it ok for me to still miss you? is it ok to still hold feelings for you. i miss you and i worn't lie. but i don't know how long i want to miss you, nor if i ever want to stop missing you. it's become a tiersome game and i want to stop soon.
i don't know if i've fallen for someonelse. or if it's just a crush. and yet again, you started as a crush now look at it.....
if that someone is reading, leave a message, =]

我怕，我怕如果在让你走近我生活你就会像上次一样，离开我。
我怕，如果然自己再爱上你，我就会离不开
我怕，我怕我心再痛，我怕一个人孤零零的感觉。
如果你变心了，你能告诉我吗？因为我不想变成最后那一个。。。
我好怕。。。好怕。。。

给你的

我决定了，我决定在chemistry考好以后我会给你一个星期，如果在那个时间段之内你自动和我联系，就说明我们两个还是有可能的，可是如果没有的话，那我也因该放弃了。。。

is it wrong for me wanting to run into ur arms?
i miss you, i wish u would too, but i don't think so. why does it seem like my world is just about u. u can be the biggest ass in the world and i'll still be in love with you. am i foolish. or am i right, that prehaps you still have feelings for me too....

i miss been me, i miss been careless, having the luxury of just been what i want to be. i want to go back, to that time that i wanted to grow up so badly, so i can enjoy it, because been an adult comes with too many pains. it come with too many astriks. too many painful memories.
i wish i can start again, my life, i would choose to be dumber, because in this world the less you know, the happier you are.

你知道吗？我还在想你。。。
自己坐在椅子上，看着天花板，想，这份这秒你在干什么。看nba?打球?看化学书?看英文？还是像我一样想你在做什么。
一直在想，是不是感冒了，如果感冒了要好好休息，因为要考试了。这几天很冷，天气也一直在变，要多多小心一点。你听的到吗?我对你的关心，担心。
你知道吗？我已只顾着你，放不下。
你知道吗？我常常会担心，你的背是不是还在痛，你的脚是不是还会不舒服。
你知道吗？我心还是痛的。
听到你名字时会是会跳的很快，想到你时还是会笑，想到你时还是会哭。
如果你晓得话，你还会那么的冷淡吗？
如果当初买又说出口，现在还会是朋友，如果当初没有傻傻的让自己旋入这一切，现在就不会那么的痛，那么的无奈。
是我多想了吧，是我错吧。
要考试了，人觉得不舒服，头脑不干净，人也怪怪的。哎，这么办呢，我不想读了。我好怕，好怕，去年的前景再次出现，一年的努力就这样的变成了水，从我手中流掉。我真的好怕好怕，好怕我上不了大学。

明知道爱并不牢靠
但是我还是拼命往里跳
明知道再走可能是监牢
但是我还是相信只是煎熬
朋友都劝我不要不要
不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑
但是做人已经那么累
假惺惺的想要逃
在爱里连个真心多不能给
这才真的真的可笑
爱得太真
太容易
让自己牺牲
太容易然自己沉沦
太容易不顾一切满是伤
我太笨明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但是我还奋不顾身
但我相信有点可能
可能在爱里面真的算笨
可是永远没有所谓永恒
但我，不愿放弃这里面一点点可能

同感。。。。。

it kinda hurts. going back to where we were on year ago, and knowing that soon, i'll be there again, the 14th of december 2009, in three months it will be 14th of demcember 2010.
i don't know why it hurts to think about it, it shouldn't anymore, it does hurt, but less than before.
a friend told me to know acception, but when do you know if u've accepted something, is it when it stops hurting or when you forget, because i don't think any of those two things will occure.
i guess i'll never understand acceptance.

好唱一段时间没和大家问好了~呼呼~大家好吗？
我还有16天就可以毕业了！好开心！好开心！

今天是我第200个post
今天送给大家一首歌‘我要的飞翔’

天气，冷暖不确定
每个人，躲在人海里
相遇，忠实没道理
弄错后，轻轻说对不起
没关系，无论是去了什么
都没痕迹
每一次，让泪水流回心里
去灌溉梦想开奇迹
我要的是坚强，不是谁的肩膀
怀抱是个不能停留的地方
这世界多拥挤，就有多匆忙
用所有的寂寞时光给自己鼓掌
我要的飞翔，不是借双翅膀
自由是个没不能代替的远方
用路途的孤单，来收获成长
直到遇见到了你一起分享

送给你们的，希望你们能找到自己的另一半

sometimes i feel as though i should just hit myslef against the wall... it seems much more productive then what i am doing with my life at the moment...
sometimes it hurts so much, it makes me want to pull my heart out with my bare hands and just watch it thump. because i don't know what i'm ment to be feeling, i don't know my own norm anymore...
i want to hate you with the depth of my heart, but something in me is stopping me, it's telling me, don't be stupid, you might fool others but i know what your really feeling, i know what you really want, i know you will never get what you want.
it seems everytime when happiness come knocking on the door something stops it, it take it away as though i don't deserve it.
did i do something in my past life to make everything my world so dark, so miserable? or does god just like to play jokes on humans everynow and then, and i just happened to win the lotto.
i hate you, i really do, i hate you for making me this way, i hate you for making me fall for you, i hate you for telling me you felt the same way, i hate you for leaving me behind and moving on with your life.
i hate you because i love you.
i wish i could make you cry like the way u've made me cry, i wish i can make you mad like the way you make me mad. i wish i was the only one in your life that can make you laugh, make you cry, make you smile. but i'm not that person am i?
it hurts, it hurts so bad, because i know i was only a stand in, because i know i was merly living in someonelses shadow, and that i was the last one on the list.
it hurts, so bad, it hurts.
and if u came back today, i would take you back without hesitation. i would fall back into your arms without hesitation. i hate you....
i wish i could tell you all of this in person, but i can't i never will. i am not one to voice what i feel, because if i do, i know i'll only be hurt once more.
i wish someone would take me away from all this.

同学们好！！
啊啊啊。。昨天晚上做了个噩梦。梦到了成绩单。。。太可怕了。。。太可怕了。。。太可怕了、、、、、、

i miss u
i miss u
i miss u

and now... i worn't i'll only miss us been together... i worn't miss u anymore

dreaming about a dance class signifies that you should move on

我昨天做了个梦，梦到个舞蹈教室，我在学舞。有可能真的没必要等你了、、、

如果，那年我鼓起了勇气，如果那一年你鼓起了勇气，你我就不会像今天一样

我这几天一直在想，你当初对我说的，十一年级那一年的感情。。。你为什么什么都没有说。。。

‘星’这个字裁开时就是‘日生’，新一天的开始，只要抬起头望天空看就可以看到新一天的来领。

这句话是我今天学到的，我望天空看了，可是看到的直是乌云，黑雾。我的‘星’是否走失了，或我的‘星’就是你。如果是的话那我就太悲剧了，因为恐怕我再也看不到‘星’了。

明天是七月七日，情人节。你知道吗？七月七日又变成了我们没有过的节日。

听到明天是情人节时，我眼泪默默的掉了下来，一粒一粒的，就这样掉了下来。我什么时候变的这么的脆弱，碰不碰就掉眼泪。

明天又是一天，希望我能看到我的‘星’

如果世界是大海，那我就是一粒沙子，等着到达我的目的地，如果到得了的话，如果有的话。

你是不是这大海中的另一颗沙子，慢慢地从我身边游去，你是不是也在等你的目的地？

如果是的话，请和我一起等一会儿，因为我很寂寞，很孤独，很悲哀。

等你到了以后，你能让我瞧一瞧你的目的地吗？因为我不知道我的在哪里，是什么，也许，可能，你的目的地也是我的。

飘呀飘呀，啊大还真大！

。。。今天没什么新的东东，其实，学校还是一样的无聊。。。生活也就这样这样。。。无语。。。
人生真漫长，。。。

好想哭，好想好想你，好怕好怕你已经忘记我，好怕好怕、、、
好痛苦的一年，好痛好痛
好艰难的一年，好难好难
为你流了那么多的眼泪值得吗？
为什么要流那么多？为什么是眼泪而不是笑容、、、
是我太傻吗？是我笨吗？
那么爱情要多么聪明才能不哭泣，要多精明才能逃过爱情的陷阱？
你我都曾爱过，可是为什么只有我在痛，只有我在哭泣，只有我没办法往前走，为什么只有我？
为什么？
爱情真的那么的无情吗？生命真的那么艰苦吗？世界真的那么虚落吗？
在这个大世界里，为什么偏偏要爱上一个不爱我的人，为什么偏偏喜欢上那么普通的你，为什么要那么的投入。为什么要那么痴情。
心好痛，好痛，你可以不要痛了吗？因为我累了，因为我无法和这个世界，这个生命做对了。
让我休息一会儿，please

ok it's been a while since i've updated~ so i will do it today
nothing much has been going on, besides from the fact that tsfx classes started yesterday and a few werdio dreams latly so i'll tell u all about mai dreams~
well when i woke i was really terid. in the dream my parents and i have stolen money, killed a family for their money. we got the money and went back to the scene of the crime to ensure that the police worn't find us, then when i said ti run away while we are ahead, my parents decied not to, becuase they thought they had plenty of time, and that same night the police came to get us, and i hid in the bath room behind the washing basket. then i woke up because i knew i was dreaming.
i don't know y be as of late my dreams have become more frequent, well at least me remebering my dreams.....
ahhhhhh dreams can be nice
i had a dream about linsday's hubby(not really her hubbby, it's just what we call him) it was sweet, and it was so warm, nice, peaceful, i liked that feeling

考试成绩出来了。。。太悲剧了。。。
呜呜呜呜呜呜呜。。。。。
太伤心了

刚刚在同学msn上看到了‘分手后不能做朋友，因为彼此伤害过，不能做敌人，因为彼此深爱过，所以我们变成了最熟悉的陌生人’
看到了他，想到了我们，还有可能吗？

啊啊啊啊啊！！不晓得为什么。。。又开始了。。。我对你无语，你说你有可能来。。难道你和mr C-man 是magnet吗？他不来，你就不来。啊啊啊啊啊啊快疯了！！！！
为什么你那么的冷静，为什么你那么的无情，为什么你能让我哭又能让我笑！ 为什么！！！
上个post上有一位网友po了一句‘nothing comes from nothing',对，可是nothing也可以come from somthing.
在他之前，我也曾经喜欢上另一个男生，他很聪明，对人很好，可是，喜欢上一个人不等于那那个人喜欢你。哭了好长一段时间。。。
我在想，如果喜欢一个人那么的难，那我为什么要继续呢？

feeling: alittle sad, annoyed, useless
i don't know what it is that gets me up everyday, i don't know if i've started to like someonelse, but i don't know why i keep thinking about you.
confused,,,, and i dont know what ether of you guys are thinking off

不知为何，当我听到还有50 天时，我心里默默地就笑了。因为过了这一段我们有可能再次见面。
我很等待这50天

thought i would make a post before i go to bed.
i'm looking forward to school 2morow, more then with every passing school day, i know soon i will be able to be free, at least from vce.
in 40 or so days, i may be able to see you soon, and i hope you'll see me too

大家好！！！

哈哈，大家好，我刚发现我有comment这一个东东。。。呵呵~
谢谢大家的comment~
如果没有回信是因为我还没有发现你有留信。请bare with me~
^^

back from mai trip~~ haha... there was alot of ppl... alot....

i thought that maybe a change of scene would change my view of life, maybe it'll change my mind about alot of things. and yet for some reason, it hasn't, for some reason it's strenthened it.

i miss you, i still do, everyday, every minute, every second, i miss you. i wish you woud miss me too

i txted, i was, i would call, but i think i should leave it where it is at the moment.
i smile, wholeheartedly 2day, the first time in a long time, it flet good, talking to you like we used to. i hope we can do it again, sometime, i don't know i your reading my blog, infact i don't know if u even know i have a blog, but if u are, thank you

哇。今天一起来就发现我眼睛变得像泡泡一样，好肿。你知道吗，我不想哭了，我想走出这个心痛，可是却走不出。
已经六个月了，可是还是那么的心痛，孤独。
我不想哭了，我不喜欢这样的我，我不喜欢依赖你的我。
这几天天气很冷，不晓得为什么会一直想和你说‘小心，要多穿衣服，不要在雨里走回家，路上湿的，不要滑倒，要记得多喝热水。’可是这些是我多心了吧，你现在不在是我生命中的人物了，不再是我脑海中的你了。
想说的，没有办法说，没有办法发告诉你，因为我不想再哭了。

我会加油的，走出这个恋爱陷阱。

范茸，你哭了已经有六个月了，不要再哭了，因为你哭没用的。不要哭了，我求求你了，不要哭了，因为我哭不动了。

这几天在想，为什么会那么痛。

其实，我有一点点开心，因为，我知道痛了，就说明我有真正的爱上你。可你呢？为什么，不管都么多的肯定，我会那么的混乱。

想知道你在想什么，想知道你在做什么。

今天，有个同学和我说了一句‘你为什么那么喜欢笑’。回答的是‘因为我开心啊’可是我知道那不是答案。想说的，从来没有离开过我的嘴，想说的是‘家里哭得太多，到学校因该笑一笑了’。 笑，是因为想笑，因为想离开我不快乐的一面，因为想离开我不快乐的世界。

这几天，我一直在想，你是不是少一根筋？说我礼物送的好。哼，太冷了。一点都不想送你，没有想送过你，也不会送。

小时候想长大，现在想回去。

想念，天真，无能的时代。

因为，Only then were we free

淡淡的、、，你就像风儿飘一样从我脑海里出现了。。。
为什么，我是唯一在痛的人，为什么痛的人是我而不是你。为什么会痛、、、

i don't know how to express the emptiness inside... i mean... i don't...
i don't know what your trying to tell me, or if your trying to tell me anything...
i don't know that if i'm thinking to much, or if i'm foolish enough to think too much...
i don't know what this is what i am ment to be feeling...
i don't know what your thinking...
i don't know what your wanting for me to feel...
i don't know if i'm watching too many dramas to be dramatising all of this, into something i want, into something not real...
i don't know what it is your feeling...
and i don't know if i should keep guessing what it is your feeling...
is it that hard to say a yes and a no...
is it that hard to tell me to wait for you...
is it that hard to tell me what your feeling...
is it that hard to talk to me...
do you hate me so much...
i wish i knew what it is that you feel...
i wish i could end all of my confusion...
i wish i could hear what it is that you want to say
because then, because then i'll have the courage to say what it is that i want to say...

feeling really crap, i don't know why. maybe because somthing's missing. i thought i found that something, i guess i didn't. because it went away.
it's hard to say wat i'm thinking right now, or feeling rather. i don't know whats meant to happen. am i meant to cry, beg, nag? i don't know whats meant to follow on this.
i wish i can say what i want to say, i wish i had the courage i did before to say it. but i guess i regret telling u my feelings, because now, it's hard to even be friends....
i guess i now understand how much pain it is for those prehaps i've this too.....
being friends seem much better then this....
havn't had the best of day today, infact i was counting on today to lift my mood little, but looking happy has made me more teird then usual? i guess because i'm more unhappy then usual...
if your reading this, respond.. cos i want to talk to you, i just don't know when i'll get the courage to do it.......

it hurts... it really does... someone make it stop... because it hurts soo bad... soo bad...
make it stop hurting... because i don't know how anymore... someone tell me... if i'm going crazy... or if i'm just in too much pain...

another day another death. it makes you think, how unpredictable death really is. a person i've know for a large part of my life's dad has died, yesterday. we were all told today. i remeber meting him in grade 5 and he was the most nicest,admirable man i had ever met. and now he's not here anymore.

when i heard the news, it once again brought tiffiany to my mind. how short life really is. on the way home, i thought about calling you, i thought about calling you to tell you how much i cared for you, and how much i missed you. because if something were to happen, and i didn't get to tell you, or if u didn;t get to hear it i would regret it for the rest of my life. like how i regret not telling tiffany how much i cared.

i hope he rests i peace, and i know that his family, will be strong in the face of death, because the person that i know is strong. RIP eric

have u ever realised what them been here has done to me? have u ever cared about the fact that u care shit about me, and that ever since grade 3 i've been the one who's looked after my slef. u never f**ken cared!

well guess what. all i f**ken said was for u to ask them to bloody wash early and u crakced it at me. WELL F OFF! im not the one that takes 30 FUCKEN MINTUES to WASH THEIR FUCKEN FEET I DON"T WAKE UP IN THE MORING AND OPEN THE WINDOW ON A COLD WINTER MORNING SO THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FUCKEN HOUSE FREEZES TO DEATH I"M NOT THE FUCKEN ONE WHO NEVER CLOSES THE DOOR WHEN I GO THROUGH THEM I"M NOT THE FUCKEN ONE THAT TAKES UP ALL THE SEATES IN THE CAR SO WE CAN"T FUCKEN GO ANYWHERE! I"M NOT THE FUCKEN ONE THAT TAKES UP ALL YOUR MONEY AND IS GONNA FUCKEN DIE IN A YEAR OR TWO!!!!

MY FUCKEN GOD! IF U FUCKEN CARE ABOUT ME THEN THROW ME FUCKEN OUT COS I DON"T WANT TO FUCKEN LIVE WITH THEM BECAUSE I NEVER FUCKEN HAD PRIVARCY AND WHAT FUCKEN PRIVACY I FUCKEN HAD IS NOW GONE I MAY AS WELL LIVE IN A FUCKEN GLASS HOUSE!

been heart borken is like been a room without light, and yet been in love is like been pluged into a pool of light, both blinding, both filled with pain and pleasure....
i've been wondering what you've been up to latly, after all te exams are near....
for some reason every now and then i would think about the things we talked about....
then as soon as i relised that i shouldn't be i relise that i;m stil missing u,,,,
if i wait, if i keep waiting will u still feel the same>
i've always though i that i wanted to tell u, but now i don't, if i keep this my little secret then i can keep the dream alive, if i tell u, my bubble migt burst. and i don't want it too.
if possible, it woul be good if we can met up after teh exams... which means that in a month i worn't be in australia anymore....

好长一段时间没和你通电话了，谢谢，谢谢你对我的‘认证’。 你打来是因为你还有感觉，还是因为你见死会救呢？听到你声音，好开心，乐道我发疯。我真没用。。。
可是这几天，让我发现了，其实，对的感觉还是像当初一样。。。

may 21st... i really doubt u'll ask me... after all it's on ta 10th

'can we pretend that planes in the night skies are shooting stars, because i really need a wish right now'.
i really need a wish.... at that time, i really did, and i know that theres not use wishing.... because it worn't do any good.
if i was to wish for somthing right now, for me to be able to see you one more time... just once, because i miss you, i really do, just once i want to tell you what i really want to tell you, instead of hidding it, i want to tell you that i miss you, that i still like you, that i wish you were here, for me, just this once.
just for once for you to be there when i really need you, to be a normal couple......................

saying i love you, wishing that u might say it back, everywhere i look, i see you.
i don't know why, even after all this time, things just seem to contiue....
i was in the city the other day going to class, and i saw a person that looked just like u......
and i couldn't help but stare, hope, that maybe it was you....
'if you tell me you don't need me anymore, that our love isn't forever, i'll ask you a second chance to make our love alittle better' i love that song, it's soo sweet, and yet so sad, that in the face of love i've become such a pathetic person.......
i know u've been visting me on farmvile... and i'm sorri if i'm alittle slow, but could it be ur way of telling me that you care? or is it just my wishful thinking?

i'm beggining to think i've become the most pathetic person on earth.... such a small thing..... such a small incignificant thing..... can take me from earth to heaven and then to helll.....
for some reason, my tears have kept flowing.....
i wish they would, so i can stop crying......

一分一秒，都在想你在干什么，你是不是生病了，是不是有和jim出去吃饭了，是不是会偶尔想我。那种知道因该放弃可是有没有勇气放弃的感觉，那种知道如果放弃了就会等于放弃了自己的感觉，好痛苦，好痛苦。
我会常常想是不是因为我太任性了，太幼稚了，太冷酷了，太黏了，太过于关心，是不是因为我太胖了，太丑了，你才会放手的。
有了勇气问可是有没有勇气听答案，就算下了决心也没有用，因为我知道你只会隐瞒。
为什么感情那么的迷糊，为什么做什么都没有用，我想等待，可是同时怕如果真的等了我只会得到悲哀和痛苦。因为我觉得现在的我是没有办法再次那么的勇敢的面对这一切了。
可是我还是喜欢你的，为什么，为什么会那么的无奈，没有办法忘掉。。。

不敢停下来

你知道吗？我想和你说的，都慢慢地，渐渐的变成了幻觉，不是因为我的心变了而是因为知道和你说了等于一个零。而是因为知道你的心窝里已经没有我的地方了。其实因该说从来没有我的地方，因为我只是一个‘客人’，待一会儿就会走了。为什么，写了那么多的放弃还是放不下，还是想在你心窝里多stay一会儿，因为还是喜欢你，想你。
生病了，可是不敢停下来，因为停下来以后，就会痛，思念就会这样偷偷摸摸的来找我，躲也躲不掉，跑也跑不过，可是如果忙一下他就会显得没有那么明显。
应为知道，慢慢地，我会忘记你，因为过一会儿我就要回去了。。。

'pigsssssssss'
how is that one little action from so ago is still making me sad.
i went onto farmvile today... and got a comment that was 192 days ago. i saw it and brust into tears. how is it that i've become to pathetic that such a small act can make me miss you so more, can make me wonder what it is that i am meant to do, what it is that i am meant to be. i want to know i want to talk like we used to, and if i knew, this would be the outcome, i wouldn't have asked, i woudln't have been so brave to tell you.

havn't blogged in a while... acurally i just don't remeber anything these days.... man... working hard on chem.... really hard... and i still feel as though i'll fail.... in fact i don't even know if i'll pass yr 12..... depressed..... =[
other then that i've also been thinking, thinking hard....... but........ i don't know what about......
feeling as though i was in a dark hole.... falling falling..... somewhere..... at terminal velocity....... no warmth, not cold....... not happy nor sad....... and yet, when u pop up on the screen, i'm happy, i know it seems stalkish.... but secretly opening that window and even talking to it makes me alittle better.... and yet... afterwards i feel even wrose..... thinking.... hoping..... wishing.... soooooo hard........................
and yet nothing happens.... feeling hopless, annoyed because i don't know what to do, what is meant to happen... and yet, you seem to be moving on without a trouble..... thinking.... wishing.....
i wonder..... what i'm meant to do... and i don't even make sense most of the time and yet..... in my mind, i'm so set on one thing, that i still like you.....
i wish someone would tell me otherwise.....
soo exhausted from school, mentally, physically and emtionally.....
i wonder if running away will make my life better, a new life, a new surrounding, a new start,.....
i wonder why it is that some of use just seem to be able to move on without a hitch..... is it because they know that there's no point in waiting and sitting, but how do u know that nothing good will come out of it........
tell me.... tell me.... wat is meant to happen....

it's getting closer to your 18th... and i worn't be here to txt you 'happy 18th'... i wanted to call you on that day... and say it in person... but i worn't be here... so... should i call the friday before? the day before i leave? should i? or should i just leave it be...
i've always wondered what life is meant to mean... i guess now... i know... working hard towards something... no matter if it succeds or not you know you've tried your best.
i guess on that firday... before school i'll call you... and say happy birthday, i don't know if you'll pick up... i don't... but if you do... i'll say it... if you don't... then well... i guess i know where i stand

someone tell me... if missing someone is meant to be so painful... i don't know why but latly i can't help but feel as though, i've been left behind, in the past, where we should be. they said time would make it better, but it hasn't it's made it worse... waking up... wondering what your doing... looking at my phone... hoping you would just pop up... imagining your day, remebering that day... we never got to do alot of things... but your still there lingering in my mind, can i say that it's my fault for being so impaient?
so how are you? how have you been?
... ... ... ... ... ...
i miss you, i do, every minute of my day, every second... i miss you... alot... please... say something back... please?

'and time and time again, i want to say'

wanting to say something, wanting to say something, saying it, and then been ignored....

it hurts....

i've been wondering about a lot of things lately, whether i will be able to get what i want, and from history... that answer would always be zero...

i believe that in life we get what is meant to be ours, and if it's not meant to be then it'll never be yours.... and what if i say that i want to be selfish for once... just this once, and get what i want no matter if it belongs to me or not....

while i wonder about these things.... everything else draws my head in..... not been able to know anything, and having everything become much more overwhelming then what it is needed to be....

someone tell me whats soo good about life that makes people laugh, smile... because at the moment theirs nothing in my life that is worth smiling and laughing about....

i'm hating yr 12... i really am...

how to make a girl smile

when she says she misses you [she's hurting inside]

that group on facebook made me cry... it really did...

i wish i knew how to tell you, other then the fact that i miss you.

someone tell me... am i crazy?

looking throug the crowd... nothing... there was apart of me that saw you, standing at every corner, at every entrence, at every station... though they weren't you, they were someonelses shadow...

standing at the station, standing by the entrence, waiting, hoping you would walk up from the subway, looking, wishing, that you may just walk off the train... but you didn't

taking the train home, i walked and looked, maybe just maybe he would be there, and yet you weren't.

that part of me keeps looking for you, for your shadow... and yet how can you see a shadow without light? where's the light gone... who's turned the light of in my life? that feeling of wondering through nothing, is painful, no matter how many people i met, i see, i wonder about, no one seems to feel that void...

heartbroken... once again...

i want to run away, but to where? life is so dependent, life is so hard, life is painful, it hurts, it hurts...

i'm working hard, i really am, i'm doing my best, i really am, and yet no matter how much i run, you always seem to be behind me...

something is telling me to keep going, i don't know where that something is comming from, every step i take, i know time is passing, and they say time heals all, has time forgotten me? why aren't you healing me?

why does it seem like i'm running into a wall, banging my head against a wall, hard...

talk to me... tell me... why it is that i can't forget you...

every corner, every step, you seem to be behind me, encouraging me, how? why does it feel like that?

someone tell me, why life has to be so hard....

my mum found my old baby album.... never thought i had one but meh.
i looked at it, and saw a girl who dreamt of been a priate, of been a princess, of been famous, and then i looked in the mirror, and saw a scared person, a person too scared to presue her dream, her ideal life.
i also saw a me that i now know, someone scared to be who they are, because she doesn't know who she is anymore, someone scared to fail because she knows life is too short, and yet can't help but hope that maybe someday, she would win ta lotto and fullfill her dream.
i like to sleep, i like to dream, because, in my dreams, i can travel the world, i can met people who i would never met, i can dream about you and i. and yet once the alam bell goes off, i'm brought back into reality, a world where i can't do as i please.
i guess thats another reason why music has become such a big part in my life, though i can't sing, nor can i read scores, i love it, because it can change your mood, your dreams, it can bring back memories, dreams, feelings...
sometimes i wonder what it is i'm ment to do in life, i mean everyone says 'it's not where you get but how you get there', but in this success driven world, is it real? when you hear a doctor on the end of someone;s name you wow, and when you see a tradie, you merely ignor. i want to, i want to do what i want to do in life, but i can't, why? why can't i do what i want?
life has become more of a drag then a enjoyment...
i wish i knew how to make it fun again

another day has passed, and it's making me think, maybe i need to get away,,, the exams are comming and i'm starting past exams today..... i will do my best..... though most of ta time my best isn't good.
which made me think, what does do your best mean> i mean wat if your best is crap, wat if no matter how many 'bests' you try, you worn;t succed... was it wrong? for me to like you, was it wrong, to have felt what i felt? or is it wrong to acknowlege what i felt. i think right now, if someone would care, i would probly dive into their laps.
i dont want to forget, and i worn;t... because you are you

一天一天的就这样过去了，一天一天的我也这样熬过来了，其实我要的梦并不大，只要偶然幸福就可以了。
也许是我的错，是我太好强了，太任性了，太幼稚了。我会加油的，嗯，一定会的。

为什么。。。还那么的痛。。。好痛。。。
你知道吗？那几个晚上，我的枕头一直是湿的，那几个晚上我心好痛好痛，现在也是。想哭，想闹，想忘记，可是没有办法，现在还是。每一次写到你，眼泪就会不知不觉的掉下来，心也就这样开始痛，想哭，可是又没有原因，我也知道这个世界的复杂，也知道我是不够好，可是眼泪还是一滴一滴的掉下来。
想问的为什么，我已经有了答案，想问你好吗, 我也知道你是不会回答的，想知道你的心变了吗，我也知道因该有了。
失恋的感觉是无法形容的，那种痛，不舍，无奈，你懂吗？
你知道吗？我还是那么的想你，我的心还是没有办法把你放下，难道你要我求你，要我在你面前哭你才会知道我对你的感觉？我常常会想如果我学一下‘小女生’，学一下撒娇，学一下当一个诺如的女生，说不定你会回头，可是这不是我。我不是哪一种会撒娇的女生，我也不会碰到问题就往你那里跑。对不起。也许我太独立了，也许我不适合，可是每个女生都是想要被人爱的，可是有一些是得不到这种爱的，我因该就是这一挂的吧，无论都么的想你，喜欢你，答案，结局还是一样的。何必那？何必那么的伤心，那么的用工，心痛。

if you are, tell me, if your not tell me, r u reallly doing what i asked you? if you are tell me if your not tell me... please

you know when your about to do something important and u get that really lound tumping in your chest? well.... i get that....
can you tell me at least....
i'm going back to my crappy physics

woke up today and mum was been a bitch i was like WTF??? i swear.... ur such a idiot

life is soo complicated, there is no black and white, only shades of grey, only little shades that have no right or wrong, that are full of reason's understanding, and acceptance, even when the thing, the reason is crap and bullshit, but it's true... but we still need to accpet it.....

just finished PD 3 for studio.... working hard on it.... why do i feel as though i'm waiting for a bus to hit me, so that at least i would feel something, because latly i've found that i've been unable to feel, to laugh, to smile, at least genually.....

it's true i miss you, in fact i miss you like hell, that fact that i can look at a pencil and think about you is crazy, in fact me writting about you all ta time is crazy, in fact everytime i rember another month has gone past is crazy, in fact... i'm going crazy.

someone once said 'sucess is 99% persperation 1% inspiration', it doesn't matter, how hard i work, how much i miss you, how much i care for you, i worn't succed... cos u worn't come back will you, we worn't be able to talk like we used to, i worn't be able to hear your stupid cold annoying jokes anymore will i? i worn't be able to hear you say ur short sighted will i? i worn't ever get a 2nd hug will i?

i wonder what life is meant to be like,,,, i really do wonder, sitting here listening to the news, girls on tv, as thin as a stick, pm's on the news.... taking money,,, and spending it on what ever, life is wat? a problem?
missing someone is a very unique feeling, well if u ever read this, i'm going to the expo, on the saturday, if your there, don't tell me, because even though i want to see you, i know that i won't be able to take it....
i love you,,, i really do...

12月14日2009年

心好痛。。。好痛好痛。。。因为好想好想你。。。好想知道你在想什么。。。你心里是否还有我。。。还是你的心窝里已经有新的人了。。。
我说过我会等耐心的等，可是我想赖皮，还有99天。。。整整的99天。。。
为什么！！！为什么你不说，你的一句话就能安慰我，为什么。。。

you come and go, latly u've been in my head again, alot of things have been in my head, alot...
latly life seems colder... is it because it's winter? or is it because i feel as though i'm loosing you, though i've already lost you...
it's nice to think that i now know that warm fuzzy feeling everyone calles 'love'. i've always been scared to use that word, L-O-V-E, after all, it's not a concret noun. i've always been scared to be happy, because i know that happiness comes with a price, but i now know, that price is worth it.
someone asked me once, how can you be happy all the time? i didn't answer, and yet i knew in my heart that, if i wasn't happy i would be sad, i rather laugh foolishly and be called a idiot then to be sad about been sad and be called normal....
sometimes i rather just sit, infact, sitting in the park is the best, i don't have to worri about been alone, i don't have to worri about stupid things that don't need worring, i don't need to be human, i just need to be a girl, a girl that needs sometime to herslef.
i wonder sometimes, what if, just what if i could have a wish any wish, just one, then i would wish to understand myslef better, to know what it is that i acurally want, what it is i need, what it is needed of me... i sometimes wonder, hope that no one would notice me and just let me live mysef myslef, by myslef, on a tiny island, of couse food and water will be deliverd/ just for once i want to surprised, a good surprise not a bad one like the ones i've been getting so far.i wish, wish, i knew what to do, i wish i wish i know what to do.
i wish, i wish my wishes would come true

i wish you had never showed up, if u guys didn't come, then we wouldn't be in this mess....
mum and dad worn't be fighting, we wouldn't need to get a bigger car, if you were here everything would be better, so please go back, go away, so that i can have my life back, so i can at least enjoy something.
it's at time like this that i wish, i would old enough to run away, i rather run away, but i can't, i'm afarid.
its all your fault, it has always been, and it will always be your fault. i don't care if your old, and sick, i don't care how hard of a life you've lived, i want mine back, i don't want to hear yours.
i wish you would just dissapear, die even, i don't want you here, you've only caused more trouble.
i don't like you, i never have, never will, unfortuatly blood is thicker then water.
i wish you never came, i wished the phone never rang, i wish that i wasn't here when that phone rang.
go away, go away so i can have my life back, so i can at least have the crappy life i already lived back, because even that was better then this.... this pile of mess where everyone is unhappy.

点点点
点点点
点点点
加油噢！！fighting!! 噢！！fighting!! 噢！！
今天送给大家一句歌词
‘只有你才能了解我要的梦从来不大，我痛的，疯的，伤的，在你面前哭得最惨’
这首歌是刘若英唱的，‘我们没有在一起’很好听哦~可是很悲。。。其实悲的原因是因为世界上这样的情侣太多了，因为‘这个世界太复杂’所以要单纯很难。想一想，因为世界而分手的人都会明白，这一种无奈是最痛苦的

啊啊啊啊啊假期要结束了！！！ daihen daihen!!!

这几天一直在听jj的新歌（虽然不是新歌了可是还是很好听）好想去他的演唱会！！臭老妈不让我去。。。。心痛！！

可是听到jj的歌时会有一种怀念的感觉，特别是‘第几个一百天’歌词好熟好熟。

第几个一百天，越来越有感觉

用眼睛去素描，你内心的世界

管过多少一百天，也会像刚热恋

两个人手一牵，连命运都改变

很好听吧~~哈哈

其实听到的歌词就像是我心声似的，不管过几个一百天，我还是会喜欢着你，还是会在人群中找你的背影，不管过几个一百天我还是会默默的想你。可是过了几个一百天，我的心会慢慢地变得不痛，会慢慢的接受这个事实。

日子就这样一天一天的过去了，我心也就这样一天一天的熬过去了。你呢？

哇好长一段时间没上blog了。。。哈哈
我快死了。。。上化学。。。天天在上化学。。。他妈的。。。我快死了。。。
这几天一直和chris-san一起上课哈哈哈他太花了哈哈哈哈笑死我了。。。。
啊啊啊啊正的太囧了。。。天天看到anthony天天盯着我，像我害了他什么的。。。。太囧了。。。。。
o(︶︿︶)o 唉不想去上课，，，，，o(︶︿︶)o 唉

i was just thinkg before, that maybe sometimes what we need is right by our side... but then again....... what is by ourside?
we never know what we have untill it's gone, so will we never know what we hav? or do we need to lose it inorder to know what we have.
you once had me, and now you still do.... does that mean i need to move on and then only then will you love me back? isn't that stupid.........

i went my leature today haha had a fun time wit chris,,, HA HA HA he's tryna pick up this girl... and he doesn't even know her name.... even though she's in our chem class... HE IS HOPELESS!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and not to mention there was a guy who looked like nathan (butfatter) and he keep staring... >

哈哈哈今天超hi的~~老妈帮我买了个ck的手表~超帅的哦~~ 哈哈

图片在上面自己看~还买了一条裤子~~哈哈很帅哦~~~

好了好了，，，我累了。。。也因该做一会儿作业~~ 哈哈~~

ha ha HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!!
ha ha~ at lest u replied to 'happy easter'... i wasn;t expecting anything, anything at all....
thanx

孤独

为什么想到你就会觉得孤独，为什么和同学说话就会想到你，为什么连做化学也会想你，为什么没有你的世界是黑白的，颜色呢？

明明在同一个世界却看到的感受的都不同，为什么想笑可是笑不出，为什么想哭却哭不出，为什么世界会变的像一本没故事的白书？

想一想，各处走一走，看一看，看到的都是你。

想一想，在梦中幻想你时面对的重视你的背影。

为什么没有答案，为什么只有寂寞，为什么忘不了你，为什么心放不下。

如果爱情是那么的痛苦，那么我不想要爱情，我只要你。

我是真心的爱你，可是你是真心的想抛弃我，为什么能爱的那么的深也能让你那么快放弃。
痛，真的很痛，痛到我晚上睡不着，痛到我变得像木头人似的，没有感觉，没有感情。

我还记得你对我说的原因，你什么时候喜欢上我，你说是看了我的作文，那么现在看到的会让你再次喜欢上我吗？还是你还会那么的冷酷的对待我。

o(∩_∩)o 哈哈我偶像剧看得太多哦~~~~

学会了放弃，也学会了爱情，也知道世界上不是有缘就有分。
你是一个无形的伤口，是个不会被忘得伤口，因为你是我生命中第一个能让我爱上的男生。
你的单纯，你的幼稚，你的成熟，你的一切的一切，我都懂了。
谢谢你，谢谢你的指导，我懂了，我长大了，变得更加的成熟。
。。。
谢谢tom。。。

right now i'm in the park~ i wanted to see how far my wireless would go~ i guess this would be the boundry~ ha ha~
this is my little place, the swings, the monkey bars, the small slide, all my childhood memories, and memories of us, though u were never here, no matter when i thought about you, wanted to forget about u, i was always there, on the swings, hoping the wind would take me somewhere.
up, down, up, down, up, and finally down again. what goes up must come down, what started must end somewhere, so i guess we ended there, we ended when u gave up....

lights out,
lights on,
lights out,
lights on,
which one is it?

mum, yelling at grandparents, getting angry, and then later.... it comes onto me....
i wonder whats going on, i've said it before, and i'll say it again... i don't like my grandparents, not that i don't like them.... i like them..... i just don't want to live with them.....
they say the 'more the merrier', the more.... the more trouble it brings.... i really hate this... it makes the house a mess.... and once again.... i'm the one who ends up with all the trouble, not that our house was peacful before... at least it wasn;t like this...
maybe it's just easier to just walk out.... and do watever.....
not feeling at home in my own home, haveing no privercy..... having no understanding.... not been able to do what i want, feel wat i want to feel..... ahhh life......
i hate this all.... i rather go else where..... run away.... from everything..... start anew........
in a place where no one knows me..... in a place where i can be me.... without having all of this.... was it because in my last life i was a bad person? if so.... i'm sorri, i'll be good this life.... i will....
so someone... please take me away from this place, take me to a place more peaceful then this, a place where i can be me... where i can do all the things a normal 18 year old does.... please.....

ha ha alittle work with photo shop i worked hard on it~ do u like it?

love is blind

tyrna be good i'm coping my phy notes....
apart from ta fact tat i'm gonna fail phy..... chem is making me depressed......
wat am i gonna do........ eng is taking too long... have no motivation to do studio//// it looks like 4 subjects down ta drain....
and then we walked passed places that have taken for me to return to, places that remind me of you......
i rember ta other day on my way to collins, i saw someone from the back,,, someone that looked like u, walked like u, acted like u, and yet it wasn't. as i watched him cross the street, i look closely, holdin my breath, my heart pounded, and yet he walked passed.... it was like when u see them in the movies, the sourness of it not been u, and yet the sweetness of it not been you.....
i don't know what i'm ment to say, do.
i wish u were normal.... i don't know like a normal teenager? and not so mature, and didn't think so much, so then we would have the chance to be like children and enjoyed our month....
i remeber someone once telling me in life it doesn't matter who you love, but how you love. how did we love? i'm in love with a evil short sighted nerd,,, and yet, he doesn't care....
someone tell me i'm stupid, for been crazy about someone that doesn't care,,, someone tell me that i'm crazy for wanting it to work, someone tell that i'm wrong for loving you.... someone tell me, that i was just been played with....
i hate u, i want to hate u, i want to hate you....
and yet i can't, no matter how cold, how distant you seem, even you saying 'talk later' gives me hope... though knowing it's hopless, i still try, am i stupid?
if it were a friend, i would have told her off, told her that she was stupid... i guess this is wat they mean by love is blind...
'you'll find someone better'
thats wat they all say, and yet u were the first person in a long long long time i let my guard down on...
i wanted to let you in... and yet u didn't want to come in...
it hurts, knowing that u cared once, knowing that we were happy once...
a song to describ my feelings right now 'say no' by B2ST......
ok i'm off.... this is making me sad...........
bye bye~

brought these pens from typo~

ha ha passport arrived today~~ haha compared to ta chinese one it's sooo colourful~

had a good day today~ went to have lunch with the mixed couple and then ye and i went off for some shopping~ didn't buy any cloths.... while i get fatter my hair gets shorter.. = =;;;

anyway discovered a really cheap stationary shop at DFO well not cheap cheap but ok better then smiggle if u ask me~ brought 5 fineliners for $5 (typo picture ^ up there~)

ha ha ~~ had a fun time

after all that we went to our usaly little tea shop~ and had milk tea~ ha ha~ yes we're sooo asian~~~

sometimes life is something that we can't stop from comming, and even though we know they are coming and yet..... we do it anyway.......
i love you.... and i always have.... too bad you don't love me too

happened to be looking through a friends photos, and saw his birthday party, and then saw ta cake, and then saw you. and then something started to burn inside, i don't know if it was a feeling telling me that i know it's over, or if it's a feeling how happy we were.

i don't know whats been going on with u... didn't we say we would stay friends? didn't we say we would try to be friends?

i don't know.... i don't know whats happening....

i had a dream last night, a dream that i was walking out of my school on the last day of yr 12, and you were standing there, waiting for me, in your school uniform. i heard u call out my name, i remeber walking over to you, smiling, almost crying, and then i woke up. is it a sign that i know it would never happen? or is it a sign that maybe at the end of the year we would restart.

it's been fun so far these hoildays.... but i havta hurry up with the homework,,, though i'm making my through it,,,, the pile isn't getting smaller.....

i was taking photos and well i liked this one, i thought i should share somthing visual every now and then... seeing how boring my blog is.. so here~

seeing you, seeing them, seeing what life has become, it makes me wonder, how is it that some can forget so quick, and others, unable to forget the comfort, the warmth.
without those around us, we fail to see whats not there, and yet, until it's gone we don't know what we have. life is something we all hold and yet some of us choose to be unpleasent, difficult. if it were so, then why even try, to be important, to be impressive.
in life we have to learn to be slefless, be kind, be understanding, and yet in love, if we are those things, love passes us by. so is it ok to be slefish in the arms of love? to only want them to see you, for them to think of only you, for them to belong to only you?
if liking someone were a crime, then we would all be in trouble, and yet for love, knowing and not acting is also a crime. for you who loves and hids, it is painful, and yet for the person who loves you back, to have and yet to not have it the world becomes a place without lights. without words you can become apart of someone;s life, and at the same time without words you leave, leaving a trail of pain behind you. so please, if you do love, like, don't hid, because you may never know what the other is thinking. because, knowing and not having is more painful then knowing and loosing.

• 问题：how do u know when u like someone?
• 答案：当他不在时，你会想他，当他不在时，你心会痛，当他不在时，你会发现其实，痛了才爱了

• 问题：为什么放弃
• 答案：因为没有继续的原因

• 问题：还爱他么？
• 答案：世界上不是有缘就有分的。

• 问题：还痛吗？
• 答案：痛，可是很甜。。。

i'm begging to think you dont' care.... infact i think i should be saying i'm conferming you don't care.............................

if u do care, don't tell me,,,,, cos now i can hate you for somthin other then been u.......

listening and singing to sad songs...... ahhhhh i'm sooo sad////// = =;;;

it's ok//// 2morow i'll wake up and everything will be happy again.... it will because it has to be.... for some reason listing to the goong ost makes me sad....... it's such a depressed tone...... u said 'talk later' but in your dictionary it means 'talk when i can' which in my dictionary it means 'sorry,,,, talk 2 u after vce',

i don't know y but ‘分手快乐’makes me cry every time........ not the fact that it's '分手快乐’but because in the song theres '你说你不怕分手，只有遗憾难过'.........................

but on ta other side,...... listening to sign.... isn't much better..... but then again because i don't think about the lyrics i guess it's ok.........

i think it's gotten better, at least i have, i think jen's passed on the black box.... at least i hope she remebers.... thanx jen................

i don't know...... feeling confused...... and i guess sleepy............

sometimes..... sleep seems sooo comforting.....

i wonder whats on the other side of life every now and then. i think about whether there is a heaven and hell, and why it is there is a heaven and hell, everyone starts off good, everyone has the ablity to be good, and yet we must judge people on the things they have and havn't done. doesn't god 'not judge'? then y is he judging?

going out on thursday, emily wants to see ta jackie chan movie... = =;;; not that i don't want to be.... jackie chan? well the other person is going///= = i'll be a thrid wheel.......

meh.... i'll find someone to take? i guess i'll havta call brian or chirs or someone... - -;;;;; it'll be awkard........

i wonder if i ask, i'll get an answer..... but it'll be no... so why even try............

if there was somthing i'm good at thats to run away, though i tried to face things head on.... it seems the more honest i am the more i get hurt.....

i'm sure those of you who have seen my phone knows i have rainie as my screen saver, and how it lights up when i dont touch it, well imagin watching it.... and everytime it lights up, i look to see if maybe you called..... but it wouldn't make much of a difference, even if you call i wouldn't be able to tell you what i want to tell you.

it makes me wonder..... it really does...... maybe if i had just been a chicken and ran away before it started then right now, i worn't be hurt, nor would i be thinking 'if only....' i would be me..... watching dramas and think how cute 'kim bum' is, but not anymore..... lost interst in those things, lost interst in the people who walk by, lost interst in things i would usally be intersted in.....

i wish i lived closer.... after all,... yiling and co live soooo far from me..... if i lived closer i would see them more,..... =[

everything is soooo far from me.... everything is soooo distant..... i wish i wasn't sooo far off.....

i wish i had my own room, i wish i could feel comfortable in my own home... and yet been on a street alone is more comforting then been at home.... and yet at the times when i most needed you, your not here, your never here...... never

well i've nagged enough today............................. i've nagged alot..................................................

had a fun day with jess~~~ havn't seen her in ages~~~ =]
had fun... while she went hyper cos there was a guy that looked like henry.... - -;;; i was more intersted in the fact that i wanted a new hat... and new pacer... cos someone stole mine... aka mel..... = =
anyway now i think about it she took my rubber too...
meh.... i'll ask for it back....
ha ha had a fun time at tsfx... lmao chris is such a perv looking at that girl.. lmao....
it's admazing on the way back form ta city, i felt the same way on my brithday....
i don't know... what i'm ment to say, i don't know what i'm meant to do.... i can't say i don't like you anymore, and yet on the other hand, i don't have the right to say i like you anymore. maybe the person you really liked is still at our school, and maybe, thats why i felt as though i was a stand in. i can understand why you liked her, after all, she's pretty and smart. what else would you want.
i knew, i understood, and yet i ignored it, i guess i only hurt myslef. i will work hard, i'll move on, but time is somthing i don't have right now. i guess in a years time, i'll think back and laugh, and yet for some reason i'm always the one that hurts myself. and cause trouble for myself. i will work hard this year to get into uni, though i worn't be doing what i truly want, i guess i'll be doing somthing, at least then i know i worn't be running around doing nothing. it's the hoildays, i guess i dreaded it for a while, knowing i worn't be busy, knowing that i'll have time to just sit and look up. i've always wondered what life is meant to be like, i guess i'm living it, i guess i'm having a go.
i don't hate you, and yet, i kinda wished that i did, so that i could say you were evil, but i understand, i understand....
if someone asked, 'would you like to loose your memory?' now i would like to answer. 'yes, if it were possible'

ha ha~~ yay term one down!!! now i;m offically i thrid through...... yay!!!!!!!
today was good full of fun... took alot of pictures~~ which i shall upload onto fb.. if i remeber other then that everything else seems fine, at least i hope it does~~~ rose hwaiting hwaiting!!!

to myslef
rose 乖，不要想了，我知道很痛，可是现在已经finish了，完全finish了。过一会儿就不会痛了，过一会儿就没事了，加油。加油。。。。

it's been passed on, it's all over now, i have no reason to keep thinking, so here, i'll say bye, bye to someone i cared for soooo much, and maybe still do, bye.

2 more days..... 2more days and this year will be one thrid through....... 2 more days...........
at the moment yr 12 is more pain, then it is fun.....
i really hope soon, very soon, the year will just end........ so i can forget..........

i don't know if you've read ta last blog, but, i guess u didn't. i think, giving up would be the best option.... i've sent jen something that she'll pass on for me. i brought it, and would have given it to u on the 7th, but forgot to give it to you, so, i think now would be best, take it as a early bday present and a late xmas present. i hope u'll like it.

i guess it'll be the last thing i may ever give you, so i really do hope u like it, i guess it would also be my 1st time giving a guy something like it....

i guess, life isn;t something we can all plan for, i guess this would be the time to just take it in my stride, and see what happens

hi? if ur reading this then well, u got my txt, if ur not then well your not.
how are you? havn't talked for a while. are things at school ok?
does ur back still hurt?
well schools been ok for me i've been working hard, ha ha~ i worked really hard today, after class i came back and wrote my studio essay, it's really long and boring, i got my physics sac mark back.
i;m sorry i can't do it, i can't pick up ur calls, cos if i do, i find my slef crying........
because, i want to tel u how much i've missed you, i want to yell at ad say why did u do that, i want to tell you how i had a fight with my friend, i wanted to tell you that a guy at skool's been following me around, i want to tell you that it's already been 2 months, i want to tell u that i miss you like hell, i still do, but i can't i don't want to let myslef get wrapped up again...
i'm sorry....i couldn;t tell you......... i;m sorry i didn;t have the courage to........
i'm really sorry

how are you?
how are you doing at skool?
hows ur back? ur ankle?
how is it that it's become harder to do somthing with time?
how is it that one person can cared about someone so much and that someone as cold as ice?
how is it that ur making me feel bad when i talk to guys?
how is it fair that i feel as though i'm the only doing this?
how is it that i can't let go?
how is it even after all this time, even after all the things i've gone thourgh, it can't outweigh those few mintues we had?
how is it a person can make you feel like this?
why does it have to be you?

if in a person's life you can ask the person u love for help just once, well that would be now. i need to talk, i need help.... help....
please, if only for once in my life i ask for help, it's now, please...

it's ironic when u were kids and u were such good friends, and ever since they move to a better skool they competely ignor u..... and it's sad you know... that people u used to be friends with for some reason get sticks stuck up their asses and become up themsleves. and well basically a BITCH!
no offense................ but u r... at least have the common decency to say hi back... i mean they're called MANNERS!!! it's not like i'm expecting a essay from you.....
i guess i rather not be friends with u if this is the way you treat people your no longer close with..... oh welll i guess i'm glad that i didn't get in now... cos then i might have turned into you... thank god i didn't (not talking about just one person... like a whole group)

while i was in the car this morin, i;ve relised tat it was the 16th. and that for some reason on the 14, i didn't notice. as time grows, i relise that prehaps we are just not meant to be.
life is mocing on, and yr 12 is begining to seem to go by so fast. it's already march and in 6 mounths we worn;t be high school students anymore, we would become adults. in some ways it scares me, that once again i'm moving away form something that i knew so well, and that i grew so familar with, no that i might move on it's scary, it really is..
on the other had i can not tick task one off the goals of the year~~ ha ha ~~

havn't updated in a while~~ ha ha i've been lazy....
feeling better about everything... i guess

100th post~~ yaya~~~ i made it~~ ha ha~~
i just looked back at all my post, and half of them were about you. does it matter that for the last 4 months of my life you were the other half?
i guess life is about moving on, but i still miss you, i really do. with that said, and done with, after this post, i don't want to mention it again.
on the other hand, ye said u were sorry. to me it really doesn't matter, because it's you that didn;t want to let me down from the stage, if u want to make a big deal out of it, then so be it, i don't care. even if i don't have friends, i don't want to be around people who act like that, contiusly bagging other people. if u want a cliqe then go ahead, i don't want to be apart of it. one note, your not in china anymore HERE people treat people with RESPECT. and guess what, you should learn to have some, because in this world were people like to be happy, people don't like people who are disrespectful towards others. i don't care if u think ur better, u may be, but we don't need to know. i don't know if i want to accept the sorry, nor do i want one, i don't really care. because sorry is only a word, actions speak louder. if want people to accept you, learn to accept others. because only then will you learn to live in this world.
i don't think you have anything to be sorry to me about, you should be sorry to those whom u involved, because fankly, i don't care what you do, not anymore. i was been nice because your younger, but ur already 17, you can;t use that as an excuse anymore. instead of having your own way all the time, be more considerate, because, in this world there are more important things then your 'jermey'.
i don't want to talk about it anymore, you have my view, i'm telling you this because we may or may not be still friends. but i;m telling you because i know if i don't no one else will, so i have. hopefull you can get through your head that you are not the sun, we do not relove around you. learn to respect others please. i dont want to make it awkard for my friends, and i would never involve my friends in games like these, we're not in grade 3 anymore, understand if you don't grow up, we;ll leave without you.

u know i find myslef, everynight, walking, by myslef, on the streets of the city, in my dreams theres no one there. and i don't want anyone to come in. i like it there, quiet and no one to been annoyed at. i miss someons whos not there, i miss someone might and might not care. whether you care or not, it's as though your dead. though i miss you, though i want to see you again, i worn't be able to, and when i think of you i cry.
that feeling of earning, that feeling of despreation, it's something to be loathed. sometimes i wish i never met you, sometimes i wish that i wasn't me.
school has been more or less annoying, i'm sick of people believeing they are the center of the world, i'm sick of people thinking of only themsleves, i;m sick of these childish ways, and i will no longer be part of it. i worn't and i will never again

how old are you? to everyone u may be 17, but you know u have the maturaily level of a 6 year old. in a society where people RESPECT people, you will not survive. u will be ignored and merly forgotten about.
the world doesn't revolve around you, i'm sorry, but it's true. so wat if u had a fight? so wat you've had a bad day, normal people, adults, deal with it by just ignoring it moving on, just cos u've had a bad day doesn't mean u havta make everyone around you have one too.
by making it seem like this will only look bad on you, not me. i'm not the one, been a child, learn to grow up and accept different views. i hope u don't end up been ignored by everyone, because right now, no one wants to be friends with you.
GROW UP!

i wonder what life would be like.... if i were perfect.....
trying to forget someone is hard.. because it's hard, i want to run away. liking you is something i didn't plan on, trying to forget you is something i didn't plan on ether. i want to know, i really do, what i feel, i want to know for sure, so please, my heart just tell me, what ur feeling so that i can know. because i'm confused.... sometimes we should give way to love, but when will love ever give way to us for us to move in.....

have you ever felt like something you know will happen might never happen?
for some reason i'm waiting for you to just stop, and turn around and say 'i'm sorry'
it's not that i want you to feel sorry, but at least tell me what u felt. is it that hard to talk 2 me?
i know your busy, i know ur mum might be watching, but i'm still here, i'm still human, i can't read your mind. as much as i want to, i can't, so please, just say something, i need you to, because if you don;t i'll start to feel like i'm doing nothing, and want to give up, i don't want to give up, not yet

=[

can't help but feel as though my world is turning... ever so slowly///

the more i think about everything... it seems like i'm gettin no where... running harder, and harder, yet i'm getting no where.

i don't want to say good bye, i don't want to let you go, easy come, easy go.

your gone, and i'm trying hard. i've always wondered, what life would be like whole, i guess it's going back to been hollow again...

life is hard, it really is...

my head hurts, so does my heart.

i don't want to say good bye.... i really don't, but i guess you've already said goodbye to me.

so i'll stand there, until you come around again... i'll wait at the station...

i've realised.. when i'm terid... in trouble... i miss you the most...

i don't know why.... i don't know.... i've been thinking about latly..... i know you havn't been reading... somewhat i'm happy about it...

because i can keep this little secret to myslef... a place for me to just stop hiding what i'm feeling...

did my chem and eng sac 2day.... stuffed ta chem one... happy about the eng one... i worked hard on it..... and it worked.....

i don't know..... i guess i miss our text messages..... i miss how i used to know that u were watching NBA........

if i get the chance... i'll pass something onto you.... i brought it during the chirstmass hoildays.... but never got the chance to give it to you....

i guess i'll give it to you on ur birthday.... acurally i'll prob get jen or someone to pass it on for me....

i've been good.... i guess..... i'm working hard...... i want to know how ur doing.....

i guess it would be well.... your always well......sometimes..... just sometimes... i wish you worn't welll.... so that at least i know we meant something... beside then just a phase......

i miss you i really do...... it would be good if you missed me too....

i'm going back to shanghai soon.... for a while.... i wonder if i would see you again before that.....

i wonder what ur doing, whether ur writting notes, or watching NBA.....
i wonder what i'm doing, walking in the city alone, been alone, feeling alittle more comfortable, then sitting at home staring at homework.
i wonder what is wrong with me.... i wonder alot,
i wonder what i could be doing and what i could be feeling
it was nice to see jake and brain again, reminds me of the says where homework wasn't homework, when time would be passed by just sitting there.
i wish i can go back, if i could i would surly be brave enough to just say it, instead of sitting there doing nothing.
i wonder what life is... i wonder what life can be.... i wonder what life will be.... i wonder when life will end......
wish me luck...............................................................
because right now... i need hell of alot of it................

sometimes i wonder, if i could just run away and just hid in a tree, then just live off the tree.
been stuck between what i should do and what i want to do, is soo hard...........
i want to run, but i feel as though i;m going to give up.... but i don't want to, but i should... maybe it is time to give up....
my feelings are stilll the same they havn't changed... i wonder if u have

i know y didn't ask, i thought about it hard...
it's because i didn't know what kind of answer i would get. whether it be, a 'fine', or a 'sorri i can't', or a 'i don't want to'. i was scared. i was scared that i wouldn't hear something i wanted to hear.

i really wanted to answer.... but i didn't have the guts to do it. so i'll tell u here
其实想对你说的是，下个星期就是我的formal。我心真的很乱，我知道，我喜欢的人是你，可是身边的人都叫我‘move on’。有时候，我会想你care过吗？我也知道说了这句话会先的很selfish，可是我真的对自己没有confidence了。
i don't know what i should do, they're telling me to say yes, but i don't want to. i don't want to, but i don't know what to do. i wish i had the courage to tell u myslef, but i don't. i don't know what to do...
i really wanted to ask, i really did,
but i didn't have the guts to ask, i really didn't, because i knew it would be a 'no'. at least this way, i can just sit back and say, i didn't ask.
i knew if i had asked it would have made it hard on u, so i didn't ask, i knew that if i had asked, it would make me feel bad,
i guess i've been running away, i want to keep running, keep running until i reach the ends of the earth, to run away from it i've been pushing myslef into my work, so that i can keep running. and it's been really hard.
i didnt pick up because i knew if i did, i wouldn't be able to say anything...
sorri....

i feel as though... life has gotten easier today~ ~
i'm feeling more confident about my sac next week, and i'm really hoping i'll get to remeber my eassay and i can just reporduce it in the sac.
one thing i'm worried about is the stupid KMnO4... i swear... I HATE U KMnO4!!!!

don't give up my love, baby, cause i'm seeing you for the first time
be the definition of my happiness, dear
be the one that gives me courage and a reason to open my eyes every
morning
i just want one shot at been your everything
do you know why?
because you're everything in my life right now

taken from a friends blog, it made me think, alot of things have made me think. i really hate it, i really hate yr 12

just then... i click on my iTunes... the song it decied to play Rainie's 匿名的朋友。
不知不觉，想起了一些去年的点点滴滴，想起你。出去走了一走，想了一想，我真的还是很想你，想念你的认真，想念你的白痴~~哈哈~~ 不知道你会不会有时想起我。我希望我们不会变成歌里的主角。。。
这几天我发现了，我发现在我身边我一个喜欢我的人，因为他是朋友，因为不想伤害他，因为还喜欢着你，所以没有勇气说‘不’。对不起，对不起。我不想放弃，我不想放弃我对你的感情，因为好不容易有了勇气说出口，因为好不容易有了勇气。。。

‘也许我们当时我们年纪真的太小，从那懵懵懂懂走进自己的天空’

sometimes when i think about myslef, i wonder, i really do, i think what it would be like if i were maybe that much more prettier, if i were just that much more smarter, if i was much more skinnier....
i really do....
sometimes i wonder what it's like to be someone perfect, and then think, no i don't want to be perfect, life would be soo boring.
i really like now, the feeling of just been, just sitting here, nor happy or sad. writing to myslef, like i always do. it feels soo much more better then to sit in a class room and think of other stuff that i don't understand, 2morow period 1 i shall go to studio and enjoy myslef~~ yay~~

i opened up that box agian today, it's kind of sad. i remeber when i brought it, i was going to give it to you on the 14th, but didn't. who knows maybe someday i would get the chance to give it to you, i may not. i think you would've liked it.

up really late today... the 1st time in a long time.
the chem class is on the 28th. it's a really good chance to go and listen to a bunch of really good teachers talk, so if ur readin (though already posted it on ur msn) come. i'm going with a friend, it'll be nice to see you again. after all we havn't seen each other in litrally ages,,,,

ahh work is drving me crazy, i wish everything was as easy as studio, now when i think about it studio is the only time that would let me have a rest.
i miss everyone, i really do, i miss the saturdays when we would just be able to sit and muck around. i miss making fun of mr tempura, i really miss everyone. though last year wasn't something i want to remember, but i had alot of fun, and i wouldn;t change a thing. at the end of this i want to be able to say i enjoyed my last year of high school, and that i really had alot of fun.
i'm doing phy homework right now, the fact that i;m not getting alot of them right worries me. but pratice makes perfect, i think if i do enough of them i;ll understand. so fighting!!!
i want to say that i don't miss you, but i do. i miss our little converstantions, i miss just listening to your voice, and ur comments on how short sighted you are.
i think, i understand what alot of people have gone though. i've always wondered what it would have been like if we both had the guts to say it in yr 10. when i think about it, if i hadn't been a better actor we would have been together for a year now. if missing someone is like this, then i hope to get more of the sweet then the bitter.
time is running under from our feet, in years time lets met in shanghai, both grown up, both more mature, and maybe even giving it another try. until then i'll try my best~

back from school, i feeling really really bad.....
well mainly because of what heejin said, 'if you like him then say no to 'him'' note here the two hims are different people. it's not that i don't want to say no.. i did... but it doesn't seem as though he understands.... i didn't want to go with him because i wanted someonelse to come, and that person is someone who is EVIL!!!
i don't know i've been feeling annoyed latly.... studio is probaly the only subject i don't have a sac for in the next few weeks. soon the days before the formal will get crazy, and i hope i can get through all of it....
i'm meant to be concentration on school, but you people keep making me do this and that how am i meant to do alll of it when i have homework that will never be finished!!! ok i'm going to go and write my work breif, so that next week i can concentrate on my english and tomorow a whole day of physics and writting my physics prac, lets see what i'll get for my 1st sac... lets hope it's going to be good, because i'm really workiong hard my mock sac was a 8.5 so lets see if i can get it to a 9.5-10

as march draws closer, my formal does to, thinking back to when we talked, it's really making me sad.

as much as i would like to say i'm coping, i'm not. for the nxt few weeks i will have sac's after sac's, i'm feeling overwhelmed. thats when i start to miss you. the world around me seems to be spinnning on it's own without my help. i want give up and just sit and watch the world pass by.

i wish we were back in year 10 when we could do wat ever we wanted. when weekends were weekends, and after school weren't filled with homework but just nothing.

it might seem hard to say but i miss chinese school, i miss all my friends over there, but they live so far from me. i feel as the world is spinning on without me and i'm been left behind.

my world has become too small, instead of been stuck in a class room i want to travel, i want to see the world and enjoy every part of it, but i won't ever be able to do that, because reality will always set in.

i wish the world will come to me, let me see you, one part at a time. theres apart of me that wants to drop everything and just become a hobo. the fact that they have nothing and nothing to fear. i wish that i to have nothing to fear nothing to lose.

as a friend would say 'life goes on'

i wish i could say 'life stops here'