my high school life is now offically over, and it's all left to exams now. somehow i feel relieved, and yet at the same time, i feel as though i have lost a large part of my life. somewhere in me, i'm happy that this year is going to finish soon, because it hasn;t exactly been my year.
which had me thinking latley, maybe life isn't about how well you live it, it's who you live with, the people you are with that make life what it is, whether it's been alone, or with friends and family, it's because their there that make life so much better then what it seems like.
i don't know if i should feel exicted about the up coming exams, because after them i will be free, and so far for the majority of my life, it's been so rotiune that i don't know what i would do with my life when i have so much free time.
maybe i should go out and see the world, have fun, and enjoy my last year as a teenager, after all study has consumed most of it. i wanna be able to sneak out at night, drive a car with friends and just be kids, maybe thats what i missed out during these six years of my secondary college.
because i never really lived close to my school, so my friends would always be far from me, whether those friends near the glen, even those who are in bentleigh, they've always been far from. i've never really gotten close to anyone, i don't want to, because past experences have told me that getting close to people will always end up in me getting hurt, and when that courage is strong enoygh i still get hurt, so whats the point in getting close where all you get is pain. why not just stay at a arms length to keep your slef safe?
i don't want to get hurt again, i don't because for the past year, i've been unable to breathe, unable to be me. it hurts, like a stone is on my cheast stopping my lungs from working, stopping them from breathing.
it hurts, it really does.
i've thought alot in the past few weeks, what is it i want to do with my life? i know the answer, and i know that it worn't happen, because i don't have the qualities to fulfill that role, and apart of me wishes i did, because i know that if i could i would run after it with all my might no matter where it will lead me.
if i ever get the chance, if i ever get the chance to go after that spotlight i will. but this life isn't fit for it, so it will never happen.
i feel empty, i really do, like life has scooped my insides out, and taken them away. i feel as though life hates me, god hates, that i am the one exception in the world, where i'm just hated.
i got a migrane yesterday, my first in a long time. apart of me wonders why it is that i am this way. why am i ugly and fat, why am i hated by all those i want to be close with. i miss been a child, a child with no cares, a child willing to dream, willing to dive into the deep seas to search for their dreams.
right now i feel lost, hopless, useless, maybe thats the way it's meant to be