wat does it mean when some doesn't want to admit somthing? does it mean what i think it means? does it mean that that person does and worn't 'addmit' to it, or does it just mean that that person worn't say?

it's drving me nuts... he said not to wait, he said he worn't addmit, he tells me not to wait in vain... but can i do that? does it mean that he might like me back, and that i've found someone that i can acurally talk to? or does it just mean that he's been nice and letting me down slow. if your letting me down slow, i rather u tell me, so i can at least say i hate you for doing that. but if you do acurally feel somthing then i think i should at least be allowed to know, cos then i know i wouldn't be imagining things...

sometimes i wish you could just make me angry, and make me hate you. so that i can at least have a reason to just hate you, but then when i think about it, i would miss all the times we talk, abotu movies, about our daily lives. u know u've been the first person that i've wanted to show my whole slef to, every bit of my personailty, every thing good and bad. am i imaging that u and i share something? tat u might too have feelings back?

what does addmit mean?

i don't know what to start off with. i don't know what to do. everytime i hear that song 'it's you' why is it that i get a feeling that somethings missing, that feeling that i've once had the happness of what the song is describing. i want to know, why is it that everytime i hear it i think of that. though i don't know what the lyrics are saying, the melody makes me think of first love. the exictment of meeting someone you feel for for the first time, they seem to shine. everymove they make seem to be for you. it's like saying 'your the only one'.

why is it i'm scared, i'm scared to say it, i'm scared i'll scare you off. no matter how much time passes your still in my mind, why, why, why,

why is it that i crave for this feeling, the feeling of been liked accpeted, prehaps even treasured. as the exams draw near, i want to give up everything and for ever remain, been a child, been small, i want to be protected. not from the world but from my head. o'brien said that you don't need to change the stars only the reality that the stars have been changed.

does that mean if i believe hard enough, it'll change? my life will change?

i want to run back into time, to the time when i was just a child and enjoy it, instead of trying to grow up, instead of trying to be something i'm not. i want to know, i want to know what you know, i want to know what i don't know.

sometimes i wonder if this is all that life has to offer. if this was it, if this was what they call life. if it is i would like a refund. i would liek to try someonelses on, and see what it's like in their shoes. i wonder how much it would cost me. i remeber once i told a friend, if i was to lose my memory, i would like to never rember it. i want to start anew, be a different person. i want to know. i want to understand, understand what it's like to be different.

i want for my life to start again, because if it did i would know for sure this time that i don't need money, i don't need a perfect lifestyle, i just need to live. instead of trying to please those around me, maybe i could do things slefishly, and just take what i want, but all i'm left with is my head. a head full of rubish, a head full of everyonelse. i want to be me again. a me without worries. without havong to work, me without 'me'

i sometimes wonder what death would be like, if it were just a sleep, cos if it were, i would be able to dream, dream with all my might. i want to reach and search for my dreams, i want to be free from reality.

no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to make you understand. i don't want money, i don't want a comfortable lifestyle, i want to run, i want to feel the rush from just running, anywhere blind.

i wish you could read this, and maybe then you'll understand alittle bit about me. instead of always staring into my smiling face.

a note, often the poor people have smiling faces, because there isn't anythingelse left for them to have besides from a smile. i smile because if i don't i would just cry all the time, i laugh because i don't want my friends to worry, i hide behind the wall because i don't want to forget that i will never be able to run away from reality. they say life has highs and lows, just like ones heartbeat, but howcome mine seems to stand still, a life without a heartbeat

second thought on the first day

i guess before was just me feeling bad... over the weekend i was watching SuperJunior's mainland tour ages ago. it makes me think, how full their life is, how different their lives are, been able to travel having thousands upon thousands of fans screaming out their name. i would love that, i want to be in the spotlight, enjoy life and enjoy what life can bring. i want to be able to travle, to hold concerts, be able to have influence upon people.

all the people in the world seem to be working hard to get to where they want to get to, why can't i? i can never seem to find my path, maybe i don't have a path, maybe i'm that one person who doesn't have a future. someone once told me following your dream takes courage, maybe thats the courage i don't have. i once had a dream about standing on the international stage with my designs on the runway, i've had dreams about been a popstar in asia touring with thousands of fans screaming out my name. all those dreams crush by my reality, those things will never happen. i want to be able to have the courage to run full forward without worry without hesitation, but i can't. i want to freely reach for my goal, even if i don't make it i will be fullfilled. i want to, but i can't, my life is chained down by words, by resposiblity, by reailty.

i've always wanted to know what it would feel like if i had a person to fall back on, now when i think i have i'm scared to hold onto him, scared that i will become his chain that will chain him down. i want to be able to tell him how i really feel, and yet i can't because i'm scared that i'll loose what i've worked soo hard to find, that feeling for hope, comfort, happiness. even if i have to, i'll keep quietly next to him, supporting him, even if i worn't be able to get that back, it makes me feel alive.

i was watching next station happiness today. i remeber the male lead said 'i play hocky because it's the only think that tells me that i'm alive. everytime i'm tackeled, hit, i know i feel pain, thats the only way i know i'm alive.' now when i think back, everytime i play hocky, i too was serching for somthing, but instead i was serching for control, not of my life, but of me. just like hockey, for some reason he makes me feel alive, and not dead. i'm sorry....

i want ot be able to scream it out, and say it but i can't, but i'll stand beside you and help you, because for a long time you've been the only one thats been able to make me feel this way.

first day back~~

the school seem livly today~ after all it was the first day back~~~ i really like school, i get to be with friends and at the same time enjoy my school life. but in a year we'll be leaving school and walking into soceity. i'm scared of that, i'm scared of resposiblity, i'm scared that school life will be ending, so for the rest of this year and the next year i'm going to enjoy school life to it's fullest.

i want to stay at school, because it's the only place i can be me, and enjoy my life without worries, everyelse is full of resposiblity and truth. reality is so harsh.