second thought on the first day

i guess before was just me feeling bad... over the weekend i was watching SuperJunior's mainland tour ages ago. it makes me think, how full their life is, how different their lives are, been able to travel having thousands upon thousands of fans screaming out their name. i would love that, i want to be in the spotlight, enjoy life and enjoy what life can bring. i want to be able to travle, to hold concerts, be able to have influence upon people.

all the people in the world seem to be working hard to get to where they want to get to, why can't i? i can never seem to find my path, maybe i don't have a path, maybe i'm that one person who doesn't have a future. someone once told me following your dream takes courage, maybe thats the courage i don't have. i once had a dream about standing on the international stage with my designs on the runway, i've had dreams about been a popstar in asia touring with thousands of fans screaming out my name. all those dreams crush by my reality, those things will never happen. i want to be able to have the courage to run full forward without worry without hesitation, but i can't. i want to freely reach for my goal, even if i don't make it i will be fullfilled. i want to, but i can't, my life is chained down by words, by resposiblity, by reailty.

i've always wanted to know what it would feel like if i had a person to fall back on, now when i think i have i'm scared to hold onto him, scared that i will become his chain that will chain him down. i want to be able to tell him how i really feel, and yet i can't because i'm scared that i'll loose what i've worked soo hard to find, that feeling for hope, comfort, happiness. even if i have to, i'll keep quietly next to him, supporting him, even if i worn't be able to get that back, it makes me feel alive.

i was watching next station happiness today. i remeber the male lead said 'i play hocky because it's the only think that tells me that i'm alive. everytime i'm tackeled, hit, i know i feel pain, thats the only way i know i'm alive.' now when i think back, everytime i play hocky, i too was serching for somthing, but instead i was serching for control, not of my life, but of me. just like hockey, for some reason he makes me feel alive, and not dead. i'm sorry....

i want ot be able to scream it out, and say it but i can't, but i'll stand beside you and help you, because for a long time you've been the only one thats been able to make me feel this way.