i don't know what to start off with. i don't know what to do. everytime i hear that song 'it's you' why is it that i get a feeling that somethings missing, that feeling that i've once had the happness of what the song is describing. i want to know, why is it that everytime i hear it i think of that. though i don't know what the lyrics are saying, the melody makes me think of first love. the exictment of meeting someone you feel for for the first time, they seem to shine. everymove they make seem to be for you. it's like saying 'your the only one'.

why is it i'm scared, i'm scared to say it, i'm scared i'll scare you off. no matter how much time passes your still in my mind, why, why, why,

why is it that i crave for this feeling, the feeling of been liked accpeted, prehaps even treasured. as the exams draw near, i want to give up everything and for ever remain, been a child, been small, i want to be protected. not from the world but from my head. o'brien said that you don't need to change the stars only the reality that the stars have been changed.

does that mean if i believe hard enough, it'll change? my life will change?

i want to run back into time, to the time when i was just a child and enjoy it, instead of trying to grow up, instead of trying to be something i'm not. i want to know, i want to know what you know, i want to know what i don't know.

sometimes i wonder if this is all that life has to offer. if this was it, if this was what they call life. if it is i would like a refund. i would liek to try someonelses on, and see what it's like in their shoes. i wonder how much it would cost me. i remeber once i told a friend, if i was to lose my memory, i would like to never rember it. i want to start anew, be a different person. i want to know. i want to understand, understand what it's like to be different.

i want for my life to start again, because if it did i would know for sure this time that i don't need money, i don't need a perfect lifestyle, i just need to live. instead of trying to please those around me, maybe i could do things slefishly, and just take what i want, but all i'm left with is my head. a head full of rubish, a head full of everyonelse. i want to be me again. a me without worries. without havong to work, me without 'me'

i sometimes wonder what death would be like, if it were just a sleep, cos if it were, i would be able to dream, dream with all my might. i want to reach and search for my dreams, i want to be free from reality.

no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to make you understand. i don't want money, i don't want a comfortable lifestyle, i want to run, i want to feel the rush from just running, anywhere blind.

i wish you could read this, and maybe then you'll understand alittle bit about me. instead of always staring into my smiling face.

a note, often the poor people have smiling faces, because there isn't anythingelse left for them to have besides from a smile. i smile because if i don't i would just cry all the time, i laugh because i don't want my friends to worry, i hide behind the wall because i don't want to forget that i will never be able to run away from reality. they say life has highs and lows, just like ones heartbeat, but howcome mine seems to stand still, a life without a heartbeat