wat does it mean when some doesn't want to admit somthing? does it mean what i think it means? does it mean that that person does and worn't 'addmit' to it, or does it just mean that that person worn't say?

it's drving me nuts... he said not to wait, he said he worn't addmit, he tells me not to wait in vain... but can i do that? does it mean that he might like me back, and that i've found someone that i can acurally talk to? or does it just mean that he's been nice and letting me down slow. if your letting me down slow, i rather u tell me, so i can at least say i hate you for doing that. but if you do acurally feel somthing then i think i should at least be allowed to know, cos then i know i wouldn't be imagining things...

sometimes i wish you could just make me angry, and make me hate you. so that i can at least have a reason to just hate you, but then when i think about it, i would miss all the times we talk, abotu movies, about our daily lives. u know u've been the first person that i've wanted to show my whole slef to, every bit of my personailty, every thing good and bad. am i imaging that u and i share something? tat u might too have feelings back?

what does addmit mean?

i don't know what to start off with. i don't know what to do. everytime i hear that song 'it's you' why is it that i get a feeling that somethings missing, that feeling that i've once had the happness of what the song is describing. i want to know, why is it that everytime i hear it i think of that. though i don't know what the lyrics are saying, the melody makes me think of first love. the exictment of meeting someone you feel for for the first time, they seem to shine. everymove they make seem to be for you. it's like saying 'your the only one'.

why is it i'm scared, i'm scared to say it, i'm scared i'll scare you off. no matter how much time passes your still in my mind, why, why, why,

why is it that i crave for this feeling, the feeling of been liked accpeted, prehaps even treasured. as the exams draw near, i want to give up everything and for ever remain, been a child, been small, i want to be protected. not from the world but from my head. o'brien said that you don't need to change the stars only the reality that the stars have been changed.

does that mean if i believe hard enough, it'll change? my life will change?

i want to run back into time, to the time when i was just a child and enjoy it, instead of trying to grow up, instead of trying to be something i'm not. i want to know, i want to know what you know, i want to know what i don't know.

sometimes i wonder if this is all that life has to offer. if this was it, if this was what they call life. if it is i would like a refund. i would liek to try someonelses on, and see what it's like in their shoes. i wonder how much it would cost me. i remeber once i told a friend, if i was to lose my memory, i would like to never rember it. i want to start anew, be a different person. i want to know. i want to understand, understand what it's like to be different.

i want for my life to start again, because if it did i would know for sure this time that i don't need money, i don't need a perfect lifestyle, i just need to live. instead of trying to please those around me, maybe i could do things slefishly, and just take what i want, but all i'm left with is my head. a head full of rubish, a head full of everyonelse. i want to be me again. a me without worries. without havong to work, me without 'me'

i sometimes wonder what death would be like, if it were just a sleep, cos if it were, i would be able to dream, dream with all my might. i want to reach and search for my dreams, i want to be free from reality.

no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to make you understand. i don't want money, i don't want a comfortable lifestyle, i want to run, i want to feel the rush from just running, anywhere blind.

i wish you could read this, and maybe then you'll understand alittle bit about me. instead of always staring into my smiling face.

a note, often the poor people have smiling faces, because there isn't anythingelse left for them to have besides from a smile. i smile because if i don't i would just cry all the time, i laugh because i don't want my friends to worry, i hide behind the wall because i don't want to forget that i will never be able to run away from reality. they say life has highs and lows, just like ones heartbeat, but howcome mine seems to stand still, a life without a heartbeat

second thought on the first day

i guess before was just me feeling bad... over the weekend i was watching SuperJunior's mainland tour ages ago. it makes me think, how full their life is, how different their lives are, been able to travel having thousands upon thousands of fans screaming out their name. i would love that, i want to be in the spotlight, enjoy life and enjoy what life can bring. i want to be able to travle, to hold concerts, be able to have influence upon people.

all the people in the world seem to be working hard to get to where they want to get to, why can't i? i can never seem to find my path, maybe i don't have a path, maybe i'm that one person who doesn't have a future. someone once told me following your dream takes courage, maybe thats the courage i don't have. i once had a dream about standing on the international stage with my designs on the runway, i've had dreams about been a popstar in asia touring with thousands of fans screaming out my name. all those dreams crush by my reality, those things will never happen. i want to be able to have the courage to run full forward without worry without hesitation, but i can't. i want to freely reach for my goal, even if i don't make it i will be fullfilled. i want to, but i can't, my life is chained down by words, by resposiblity, by reailty.

i've always wanted to know what it would feel like if i had a person to fall back on, now when i think i have i'm scared to hold onto him, scared that i will become his chain that will chain him down. i want to be able to tell him how i really feel, and yet i can't because i'm scared that i'll loose what i've worked soo hard to find, that feeling for hope, comfort, happiness. even if i have to, i'll keep quietly next to him, supporting him, even if i worn't be able to get that back, it makes me feel alive.

i was watching next station happiness today. i remeber the male lead said 'i play hocky because it's the only think that tells me that i'm alive. everytime i'm tackeled, hit, i know i feel pain, thats the only way i know i'm alive.' now when i think back, everytime i play hocky, i too was serching for somthing, but instead i was serching for control, not of my life, but of me. just like hockey, for some reason he makes me feel alive, and not dead. i'm sorry....

i want ot be able to scream it out, and say it but i can't, but i'll stand beside you and help you, because for a long time you've been the only one thats been able to make me feel this way.

first day back~~

the school seem livly today~ after all it was the first day back~~~ i really like school, i get to be with friends and at the same time enjoy my school life. but in a year we'll be leaving school and walking into soceity. i'm scared of that, i'm scared of resposiblity, i'm scared that school life will be ending, so for the rest of this year and the next year i'm going to enjoy school life to it's fullest.

i want to stay at school, because it's the only place i can be me, and enjoy my life without worries, everyelse is full of resposiblity and truth. reality is so harsh.

for some unknow reason he keeps poping up into my head, as hard as i try to overcome it, it keeps going, way are u coming back to haunt me when've i'm moved on? why does it feel as though i'm lying to myslef when i say i don't? and yet at the same time that someonelse makes me feel better, like i'm worth somthing. wat are u doing? though i'm 100% sure that u will never care, that u will never even know, why do i keep holding on.

i've tried walking away, running away, walking into it, running into it. what will i do? can i say that i like a person when apart of me is feeling like a lier?

i want to know, what u think, how it was, and how u've been, i've never had teh courage to talk to u, even for a second. u just keep quiet and out of the way, and yet u seem so warm.

maybe if i said it again, maybe if i said that imight still, did like you, maybe then u will leave me alone. but i don't want to. i want to feel this warm fuzzy thing, it's so nice.

am i starting to like you? even thoygh i know someone that like you? even though i know u will say no. does that mean i can't like you? i know i've told u, liking someone doesn't mean u hav to make a move, but sometimes theres enough like to make you want to. should i? i know it'll bring you more harm then good, and yet i can't stop. it feels good to talk 2 u, it makes my day alittle better, just siting there waiting for teh text back, though sometimes it takes a few hours, every one of those mintues is sweet. i find myslef stuck between two rocks, and maybe i'll never get out. i guess if you read this you would know who you are, but will you?

sometimes it makes me want to go back to the time in year 9 and 10 when u can just muck around with out worries but now we have the exams coming up, and then yr 12, i guess i'll bring more trouble then good. i guess i should run away for now, and maybe come back to it in 2 years.

but will i be able to?

hiya~

i was reading back on my blogs and now i've relised how many spelling mistakes i have... sorri?!

well apart from teh usual up and downs i've decied that i want to make t-shrits~~~ i've got a few designs i'll post them up when i've acurally made th t-shrits~~

i was reading a friends blog before, that person's life is so different from mine, full of events, while mine is just pain old me, but i guess i enjoy this feeling? the feeling of not been rushed of not been hurried into something.

i was talking to someone else before.. i've grown to like them, they feel so warm and comfortable to me, i want to know if that'll make me suffer in the future. i was thinking about getting another hair cut, then as i was watching tv i kinda missed my long hair, but my hair grows fast it'a already past my shoulders now.

i guess there isn't much to write about today, nothing much has happened latly, but i guess something will.

we went to a hot pot store with a bunch of friends to celebrate davy's b'day and our success during asian week~~ yea it was fun. as we walked to the hot pot place, i looked everywhere, hoping i might caught a glimps of you, but u were there. maybe i'm been slefish, maybe i'm just been stupid, but i really want to met u again just once, but i'm afarid if i met u again i'll ask for more and more. i want to know who u are

update

he he havn't updated enough.. well it's the hoildays, and it's making me think maybe year 11 went too fast/ all the things i wanted to do before the year 12's graduate.

i've always wanted to tell that person what i've been dying to tell, but i don't think i can anymore. i guess maybe due to the fact that i am no longer the same person i was at the start of the year, over the year i've found that the world has become so complicated and even if so, why is it that those who are younger then me know this better then i do. maybe jake, i think u've grown up too fast, u might want this time back in 10 years.

i want to live the rest of my highschool life without regret, but i'm pretty sure thats not gonna happen, but it would be my wish before i graduate!

we went up to the dandi ranges on monday, it was really good, as dad was driving up the mountain i looked out, and it's that nostic feeling you get when you met someone u don't want to met. at that time i kinda wished that the person who i was thinking about was there too, to share it with me. but i guess it worn't happen, i think we've used up all of our 'relationship quotes'. we proberly worn't met again, but if we do, i hope then i will have the corage to come up to you and ask who you are.

on the other note, i think i've found someone that i've grown to be fond of, like how i was with J....... but then again, i don't know. we're closer? well we talk alot, but somehow he seems distant. apart from NATHAN!! i don't think i've been able to talk to anoyther guy like well nathan. i mean (nathan ur prob reading this but... you know what i mean) well i almost think of nathan as alittle brother. well i hope that maybe this time i'll be able to just leave it.

you that feeling when ur ust upset as if someone's just poured water all over you? well latly thats how i felt. for some reason it feels better ot be apart of a corwd. just walking in the city alone, looking listening and seeing all those people makes me feel better? i guess it just reminds me that there soo many other people out in teh world that is there, thats there just like me, lost and still unaure about the future.

sometimes i wish i could just scream out what i want to say, and be left alone, i don't care what you think, i don't care what he thinks, i don't care what she thinks. i want to scream all that out, but it still seems like mission impossible.

i want to know if i can be me without been me. i want to know if i can say it to him without thinking about other things, i want to be able to just live? i've always thought about what it would be like to be in a story, i just want something to happen. i've gotten to the point where life has become 'white' no longer colourful. i don't care if i get hurt, at least then i'll know i'm alive and not just travelling through void. the world is soo big, yet so small, it's allowed us to met over 6 times in three different cities, i woner if it'll bring us together ever again.

maybe your even reading this, i wish i could know, but i don't/

we're going out to the city 2morow for davy's brithday, even if i say this is a wish, i wish i could met you again, just so i can stop asking myslef, 'who are you?'