it's been a while since i've updated. i've never thought i would be able to do it, but i guess i've moved on, in my own pace, in my own way
but every now and then i still can't help but wonder what it is your doing.
i sometimes wonder if maybe we were in fact too young. wanting someone to lean on, but unfortunatly, we couldn't lean on each other for a long time.
tomorow is the new year, in fact it's the 01/01/11
i think i will make a comeback next year, i will become better, hopefully not bigger.
i will work hard, after all i am me, and it's time i be me again.
2010 goodbye, vce goodbye, tom goodbye.

i've been thinking lately, do i really want to do what it is i'm about to do?
JYP auditions, the 4th of jan. and yet i really want to go for it, but i know the chances are low, and that even if even if out of those 500 people i get choosen, it would be at least 3 years before a chance of debuting, even in 3 years, the chances are slim seeing how many tainees they possibly have under their compay.
i really love the stage, the feeling of been in the spotlight it;s really great, of been the one people talk about reconise.
someday i would like to be the one people serch on the internet about, i would like to go on varity shows to laugh and sing...
but i really doubt that someday will happen.
i'm often told take your chance while you have it. but chances are only for those who are prepared, after all, theres no use in taking a chance when you can't afford or just don't have the abilty to take that chance.
prehaps i should just live my life as a normal working working from 9 to 5...
thinking about it is really scary, that someday in the future, i would be working a 9 to 5 job, doing the same things everyday, spending the year with the same people. i really wonder, if thats the life i'm ment to live..
i don't know if i would be able to live life like that, for the rest of my life, from 9 to 5... working in a office... i don't think i will be able to do that
i remember my childhood dreams, of been a director, of been a script writter, of been a makeup artist to the stars, of been a fashion designer, of been a star, of been a stylest....
i still want to do all those things, but i know i worn't be able to, i know even if i have any talent in these fields i would never be able to chase after my dreams like that. because i know, i can't have everything i want in this world.
but i still wish that i could. that out of no where someone would show some confidence in me, that they would believe in me no matter what i do. and yet i have yet to find that person. i don't have the confidence to say that i want to do these jobs, i don't have the confidence to chase after my dreams.
i know i don't have the confidence, i know i don't have the talent, i know i don't have the abilty, i know i don't have the skills. and yet what so i have?
right now all i can see is a empty box, prehaps i'm not even an empty box, after all an empty box can be used to carry, store items, and i feel like a empty box with the bottom riped off....
maybe someday i'll look back at these dreams and laugh, prehaps i'm just too much of a coward to do anything in this world....

最亲近的陌生人

圣诞节要到了，可我一点开心的感觉都没有。心好痛，人好孤独，知道明年的二月四十号又会是一个人过的，知道明年的生日又会是一个人过。
想知道为什么心会那么的痛，是因为我孤独？是因为知道我们曾有过那一种感情，还是因为知道其实根本没有感情。同时也在想是不是我真的没有用，不值得被人家爱。
我想问的是，能再次回到一年前吗？能不能让我回到那个时候好好的从新和自己谈一谈，家自己不要这样。
有可能是因为自己太痴情，有可能自己太独立，有人说‘在‘爱’这个游戏里不能是强者，因为没有人会同情强者的，在‘爱’里，越弱越依赖被人越好’ 那我是不是应该学会装可怜，装无能，装白痴。
我不懂，难道我就没有爱的权利吗？难道我一辈子都要做被抛弃的那一个吗？为什么总是喜欢上不喜欢我的人。。。
我知道我因该好好往前走可是，要走到哪里才算够‘前’呢？
人生能不能和我打一下招呼，告诉我我应该走多远才算够远。。。
从现在开始，你我都是最亲近的陌生人。

life is alittle boring right now, i don't know what i want to do, i don't know what i can do. i don't like this kind of feeling, a feeling of not knowing how deep i can reach or of how far i can streech. i want to know, so i don't waste myslef.
i am not smart, i am not pretty, i am not skinny, i do not have a good personality. am i hopeless?

they say it's snowing in shanghai, i've never seen the snow. my mum's always told me that i was born amonst the biggest snow strom of the centry (not like in the snow strom, but in the hospital during the storm)
i've always wanted to see the snow, they say, to see the first snow of winter, with someone you love, it means that you have found your other half.
prehaps i need to see the snow to be reborn, because right now, i want to start over, because if i start over, i will at least have a direction to go in

i'm not quiet sure what is ment to happen now, i can't help but feel as though my life is on hold.
i wish you would understand and come back

i don't know why, but tears are fallling, i know last year i had you, so to me, it was ok, but this year, i don't have you...
i don't have you here, next to me walking me through it.
i don't know why, but i think the 14th of decemeber will always be a date that i will remeber.

为什么看到绿地会心痛，为什么连看蓝天都会心痛，难道是因为孤独？
不晓得什么时候我变的那么的没用，连自己要的都没有勇气去争取。
不晓得你是在想什么，连自己都不晓得在想什么，好痛，突然的痛，一种被关在黑屋里面的感觉，没有光，没有希望，没有办法逃开的。
世界就这样吗？人生是这样默默的过吗？
好希望有个人能带我离开这里。。。

sometimes i don't know what it is i want.... prehaps ur just that case

i was thinking today, under what conditions do u really fall in love with a person.
everyone wants a beauty, once all the beauties have gone in the world what will we be left with? the ugly?
if soe what is ugly?
can someone tell me who the real decider of these words are? and to what extent do we all believe in the words we say. though saying i hate you, and not meaning it is harsh, under what conditions should we lie inorder to protect oursleves and even the ones we love.
is lieing really such a bad thing?
what is lieing anyway, not telling the truth, or hiding the truth. is hiding really all that bad?

昨天好好聊了一聊，现在有一种莫名的轻松。
可是还是好痛。爱过痛过，就这样的过去吧。不过去的放在过去，我会好好往前走的。
再见

i don't know wat is right............ i want to scream cry and yell at you......... yet i can't...............
it hurts me..... to know that u don't care anymore.......

i don't know who i am, what i want to be, what i am ment to be......
like someone lost, hopless, useless......
right now everything in my world seems so lonley......
i want to scream, cry, punch someone, but i can't cos i know doing so worn't do anything......
i wanna run away, somewhere far far away, where i can just sleep, because sleep seems like the only time i can just be, without worries, without tears.
i'm not beautiful, not skinny, nor do i have a good family background, my personality isn't the best ether... what do i have? nothing... prehaps thats way you left, because there is no good being with someone that has nothing,
it's been depressing latley, becaue suddenly it was the 27th a few days ago, i relised that it's almost been 10 months since we've broken up and yet to me, you still havn't left....
someone wake me up from this nightmare

想找到的，找不到，其实说实话我并不晓得自己在寻找什么，常常一个人这样的默默的过日子。我想知道的事其实并不多，可是因为什么多不晓得才会有那么多问题。

你在吗？？在看吗？？不看也可以，因为你从没有关心过我，所以也没什么差别。不晓得人生是不是这样的，失恋后没办法好好吃，好好睡，想恨那个人可是有没有办法，想忘记那个人可同时又想再见他一面。恋爱就那么的痛苦吗？

这几天越来越紧张了，因为分数要出来了。这几天一直没有办法好好的睡。好怕好怕去年的重复再发生。好怕。。。

去年有了你，今年失去了你，今年会有新的吗？然后明年又失去。。。

人生就只有这样吗？得到后就失去，失去后在得到。

不晓得因该怎么面对这个世界。如果你有想法的话，Po一下吧~~~

对于爱情的伤因该怎么去处理，医生说回想对身体不好，会让大脑和心脏不正常。
可我常常因为回想而哭泣，而心痛。
看上去我还是放不下。
看上去我还是被抛弃的那一个。

well going out today, so i thought i should do a post before i go~ =]
recently i've been obsessed with 'nothing better' by jun yeop (sorry for the misplet name... so many variations of it) i really love this song, for the simple melody, simple meaning of it. it's such a beautieful song. if u have the chance go and search it up on you tube~
on another notes meeting up with brian jess and nathan today, jake has life guarding so he can't come = =; damn him... anyway it'll be fun i'm looking forward to it, i've missed them so much ~
=]

i've had time to think about things lately, frankly too much time.
while everyone has a goal to reach for, i don't know what i want, i know what i want to do, but also know it'll never happen. so where is the line between realtiy and desire?
i have no idea how i'm going to live my life, i have no idea what i would want to do, i have no idea how to walk this road.
i want to pray to something, but what is there to pray to, god? budda? if we all pray and if all our wishes come tru then life would be a mess.
i don't know how i am ment to react to certain things in my life.
i want to say it, that i want you back, that i hate u, that ur mean, evil, that i miss you. but i know me saying those things will do nothing. jake i know how you feel, but unlike you i havn't found the person that will help me overcome it.
right now, my life seems directionless, hopeless, it feels like a endless void with me walking in a black tunnel, endlessly walking, running occasionally, but running doesn't make a difference, after all it's void.
i want to run away, to a island somewhere, alone, by myslef, and just watch the world pass by.
does it ever feel like ur the spectator in someonelses show, even know u are apart of this little world, it feels like you are only there to watch. to watch other act and play, while u sit and watch and clap.
this feeling of been loney, of been alone, it doesn't feel good, it feels almost as if someone's taken u and place u into the middle of the sea, that feeling of dorwning in your own tears.

anthony's song really got to me 'sorry that i loved you'. that line 'sorry for been the one that taught you how to cry'. are you sorry that u taught me how to cry? in this past year i have cried more for myslef then i have ever in my whole life...
so next year, i wanna laugh more, smile more, i want to change

well went and dyed mai hair today, i don't know what colour is it, well i can see it, but i have no idea what colour it is...... it's like orange but brown, but red..................................... i have no idea

went out today with friends, it was fun, talking, eating, and been a teenager.
but as the day ended i couldn't help but feel lonley, feel that i was the only one hurt, that i was the only one that was this situation. i know 2010 is a important year, but i now also know, that it has been the hardest year i have lived though in my life, loosing someone i careded for, and having to live though the year without support.
i want to reach out and say it, it hurts, it hurts really bad, i wanna cry on the phone and be that girl that is clingy and begs for a chance, but i can't do it, maybe because apart of me knows that you don't care, maybe i just don't care for you enough, maybe i'm just not that kind of girl.

2NE1's it hurts is a really beautieful song, about a girl who's still not over a guy, about how one part of you will hate that person and how the other half of you will accept him back with open arms if he comes back. i guess thats the saddest thing, where even though someone can hurt you so, you still love them regardless.

i've been wanting to do a cover of it, but compared to parkbom, cl, minzy, and dara's voices, my voice is so powerless, maybe i do a different cover of it. seeing how i wanned to sing it in korean, but, my abilty to learn languages is really poor seeing how my chinese marks were last year, i've decied to over the english verson of it. i havn't done it yet, but when i have i will upload it.

so before i upload a cover of it i'll post half of the lyrics up, i didnt' write this, i found it on youtube and i really love the lyrics because they fit so well and they also cover what the original song is saying so here it is.

think of that time not long ago
spending all those days alone
walking hand in hand and never letting them go

but now your into someone new
and i can't forgive you
for making all those promises that will never come tru

tell me now oh where did our love go
tell me now i've got the right to know
tell me how you could stand watching me hurt so-ooo
tell me if you ever change your mind
tell me if you want to make it right
am i the only one hurt tonight

oh baby
why don't you care
what ever happens to me you worn't be there
and i know where ever we go
we'll be apart apa apart-t

这是我人生中第一次觉得世界是残忍的，第一次觉得度过的一切是浪费的，是没用的，是多余的。
不知因该怎么样面对这样的世界，不知因该这么努力。
今天又下雨了，天气变冷了，有可能算命师说的是对的，经年桃花不好，要等到明年5月。。。那就慢慢等吧，反正等了一年也没什么，在等5个月因该是小case吧。。。