it's been a while since i've updated. i've never thought i would be able to do it, but i guess i've moved on, in my own pace, in my own way
but every now and then i still can't help but wonder what it is your doing.
i sometimes wonder if maybe we were in fact too young. wanting someone to lean on, but unfortunatly, we couldn't lean on each other for a long time.
tomorow is the new year, in fact it's the 01/01/11
i think i will make a comeback next year, i will become better, hopefully not bigger.
i will work hard, after all i am me, and it's time i be me again.
2010 goodbye, vce goodbye, tom goodbye.

i've been thinking lately, do i really want to do what it is i'm about to do?
JYP auditions, the 4th of jan. and yet i really want to go for it, but i know the chances are low, and that even if even if out of those 500 people i get choosen, it would be at least 3 years before a chance of debuting, even in 3 years, the chances are slim seeing how many tainees they possibly have under their compay.
i really love the stage, the feeling of been in the spotlight it;s really great, of been the one people talk about reconise.
someday i would like to be the one people serch on the internet about, i would like to go on varity shows to laugh and sing...
but i really doubt that someday will happen.
i'm often told take your chance while you have it. but chances are only for those who are prepared, after all, theres no use in taking a chance when you can't afford or just don't have the abilty to take that chance.
prehaps i should just live my life as a normal working working from 9 to 5...
thinking about it is really scary, that someday in the future, i would be working a 9 to 5 job, doing the same things everyday, spending the year with the same people. i really wonder, if thats the life i'm ment to live..
i don't know if i would be able to live life like that, for the rest of my life, from 9 to 5... working in a office... i don't think i will be able to do that
i remember my childhood dreams, of been a director, of been a script writter, of been a makeup artist to the stars, of been a fashion designer, of been a star, of been a stylest....
i still want to do all those things, but i know i worn't be able to, i know even if i have any talent in these fields i would never be able to chase after my dreams like that. because i know, i can't have everything i want in this world.
but i still wish that i could. that out of no where someone would show some confidence in me, that they would believe in me no matter what i do. and yet i have yet to find that person. i don't have the confidence to say that i want to do these jobs, i don't have the confidence to chase after my dreams.
i know i don't have the confidence, i know i don't have the talent, i know i don't have the abilty, i know i don't have the skills. and yet what so i have?
right now all i can see is a empty box, prehaps i'm not even an empty box, after all an empty box can be used to carry, store items, and i feel like a empty box with the bottom riped off....
maybe someday i'll look back at these dreams and laugh, prehaps i'm just too much of a coward to do anything in this world....

最亲近的陌生人

圣诞节要到了，可我一点开心的感觉都没有。心好痛，人好孤独，知道明年的二月四十号又会是一个人过的，知道明年的生日又会是一个人过。
想知道为什么心会那么的痛，是因为我孤独？是因为知道我们曾有过那一种感情，还是因为知道其实根本没有感情。同时也在想是不是我真的没有用，不值得被人家爱。
我想问的是，能再次回到一年前吗？能不能让我回到那个时候好好的从新和自己谈一谈，家自己不要这样。
有可能是因为自己太痴情，有可能自己太独立，有人说‘在‘爱’这个游戏里不能是强者，因为没有人会同情强者的，在‘爱’里，越弱越依赖被人越好’ 那我是不是应该学会装可怜，装无能，装白痴。
我不懂，难道我就没有爱的权利吗？难道我一辈子都要做被抛弃的那一个吗？为什么总是喜欢上不喜欢我的人。。。
我知道我因该好好往前走可是，要走到哪里才算够‘前’呢？
人生能不能和我打一下招呼，告诉我我应该走多远才算够远。。。
从现在开始，你我都是最亲近的陌生人。

life is alittle boring right now, i don't know what i want to do, i don't know what i can do. i don't like this kind of feeling, a feeling of not knowing how deep i can reach or of how far i can streech. i want to know, so i don't waste myslef.
i am not smart, i am not pretty, i am not skinny, i do not have a good personality. am i hopeless?

they say it's snowing in shanghai, i've never seen the snow. my mum's always told me that i was born amonst the biggest snow strom of the centry (not like in the snow strom, but in the hospital during the storm)
i've always wanted to see the snow, they say, to see the first snow of winter, with someone you love, it means that you have found your other half.
prehaps i need to see the snow to be reborn, because right now, i want to start over, because if i start over, i will at least have a direction to go in

i'm not quiet sure what is ment to happen now, i can't help but feel as though my life is on hold.
i wish you would understand and come back

i don't know why, but tears are fallling, i know last year i had you, so to me, it was ok, but this year, i don't have you...
i don't have you here, next to me walking me through it.
i don't know why, but i think the 14th of decemeber will always be a date that i will remeber.